I had an epiphany yesterday, at a time where my skin was particularly susceptible to the energy of human beings that were not me. We were out as a family, enjoying the humming vibe of a dumpling festival (nom, nom, nom) and it struck me that I was running on supercharge.
As I looked around me, each person seemed so clear, alive and vulnerable. It was as if I were seeing them through a more sensitive, vibrant lense of the reality that most people know. Certainly a more sensitive lense than I have known for many years. It was, in the words of my precious little five-year-old: ‘Blow minding.’
As I stood in line at the dumpling truck—joyously waving at my husband and two little muffins, whose faces shone back at me like the brightest lights in the world— I realised that this was the way I used to live in the world, before I started living on adult autopilot. And I wondered…what on earth happened? Where did my authentic self go during all of those autopilot years, and how did my heart and soul dim quite as drastically as they did?
The epiphany that came to me as I stood in line, deciding between the Steak and cracked pepper dim-sims or the plain old beef was…I had to forget my true nature so that I could tell the difference between a life half lived, and a life lived as it authentically should be lived.
For instance…over the past ten years, I’ve had no idea that I was only half living (as in, I had no idea I was suppressing my authentic emotional self, in any way.) I was happy. I was writing and genuinely enjoying family life. I thought I was being me. Until last year, when my heart suddenly burst open again, and oh my goodness, I remember you! happened.
Yesterday’s epiphany had me wondering: if I forgot my true nature for so many years…how many others have forgotten theirs, too? How many others have ever even wondered: is this me? And is this as much of my life that I want to live?
Anyway, that’s gotten quite deep, so I’ll leave it there for today. But feel free to share in the comments if you’ve experienced a similar re-awakening in your life, because I really do think the more of us who speak up about these things…the easier it will get for the sleepy heads of tomorrow to wake up again, too. Well, I sure hope so, anyway. xx
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12 replies on “The Epiphany”
Your give year old is adorable! And, gosh, now I kind of want dumplings.
I’ve had a similar reawakening. For awhile, I was happy locked up in my little family, happy being mom and wife and turning four walls into a home. But something was always scratching at the back of my mind, a question: is this the life you really want, or is it someone else’s wish? Or course, the question never birthed an answer, but it made me think of my childhood and the dreams I used to have. It’s where my magical motherhood post came from, and why I’m starting to share stories of my childhood. Those tender years are brimming with magic and unabashed delight. I want it back not just for my kids but for me, too.
It is absolutely time for us to wake up, to remember, to rediscover our dreams and our real selves. Perhaps this world would be a better place if we cast off what we think we ought to be and instead embrace who we really are.
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Yes, I’ve noticed you’re going through the same (or a similar) process as I am, Kat. 🙂 I’m finding that a lot of healing is happening when going back to that little girl I used to be: did you know I had completely forgotten how sensitive I used to be as a child.( I must have blocked it out, lol) Thinking back now, there was so much pain taken on at the time because my little human mind absorbed it all, as many littlies do. I feel so much better now that I’ve gone back and remembered those moments of hurt (even a cranky swimming teacher was enough to send me into a pit of dispair, I was remembering the other day as I watched my little man swim.) It’s really so amazing what happens when we finally find the key to our insides. Also…I’ve so adored sharing our journeys together, lovely Kat. Just thought I’d say that. 🙂 xxx
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Children are indeed so sensitive, yet so unable to process the massive world. It’s such a tender, magical age, and I always want to protect all the little ones who find themselves facing an adult who isn’t capable of protecting them. Most would call me overprotective, but you and I know it’s what children need: to know they are good and wonderful and loved, and they shouldn’t be expected to understand the world in quite the same way as an adult. It’s absolutely so lovely to be on this journey together. A journey is always better with a friend, and you’re the very best!
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Kat. ❤️ I struggled for a long time with feelings of being judged as a helicopter parent, especially at the times my inner ‘mum tiger’ jumped out to save them. The conclusion I’ve come to is: there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving our bubs the way our instincts are asking us to. We have instincts and intuition for a reason, after all. xx Ps. Aww. You’re the sweetest! 💞
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So true! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be there for our kids every step of the way, especially if they’re taking their own steps. I try not to think of it as helicopter parenting, though. Instead I think of myself as just being there with my kids…you know, everywhere they turn. Just in case, of course. There are so many dangers out there.
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I think it’s a tricky thing, “half living” as you call it. I think there are compromises we make for other people, to meet expectations, to fit in, and we lose apart of ourselves. Brené Brown addressed it in her book, “Braving the Wilderness,” an amazing book by the way. She delves into the differences between “fitting in” in society or a culture versus belonging. The difference being that you can belong somewhere when people around you accept you as you are while fitting in is when people around you try to make you conform to their expectations, norms, or ideal for what it means to be like they are. Her challenge to the reader is to be unabashedly yourself and if it offends the people around you, be brave to move on and attract people around you who accept you as you are. I think it’s hardest with your loved ones or people closest to you because you want or need their acceptance and love. With those people I find you need to open conversations about how you are feeling if you feel like you cannot be yourself. That’s the tricky part 🙂 I feel like I am dancing around it. What do you think?
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I agree with you (and Brene) entirely. At some point back in the day, I became very aware that I was being judged for being a dreamer and wearing my heart on my sleeve because it didn’t fit the ‘safe, mature’ mould our culture has built around the term ‘adult’. Because I’m so sensitive, this really hurt. And so I think a part of me shut down because of that judgement. The thing is…when I did conform to the status quo, and dulled the ‘passionate dreamer’ down a notch: all the ‘alive’ parts of me seemed to dull and my creativity-even my need to create- suffered immensely. Anyhow, I’m back with a new strength and perspective, it seems. I’ll definitely have to read Brene’s book. Totes sounds like she woke up in the same tree as I did! ha ha ha. 🙂
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I totally understand… I loved the book some of it is contextualized to American politics and how divided we are here, but that was a major part of the book and how you fit in to certain stereotypes based on who you voted for or if you own a gun or other things like that… but at the heart of it, she spoke about staying true to yourself no matter what others may think or do… kind of like your cat costume 😉
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Ha ha ha! Exactly, unashamedly me. 😛 I remember when I was in my early 20’s (before I slipped into ‘sensible’ autopilot) I would go to work on ‘casual clothes friday’ wearing ALL the colours of the superhero rainbow. ha ha ha! It just suited my personality, and so that’s the way I dressed. Looks like I’d better stock up on my colours again if that old version of me is back again, lol. With that said, my tastes have…umm…matured a bit. 😛
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Yeah, I would hope that as we age we don’t care as much about what others think and start to become more fully ourselves as opposed to the alternative.
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I read your post and smwhr felt deeply connected except for the fact that I am not a mum ,I am in my 20s and I kind of feel lyk I hv forgotten my true self .people seem to like me that way .people seem to suppress me mould me to someone I am not. It’s difficult to find someone who wud accept me “the real me” .whoever I reach for real real answer to if what I feel is normal or not I get the same reply a female needs to make compromises and all the adjustments to be perfect.how true is this I often think .
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Aww. 💞 I’m so glad you’ve found a mirror here: we’re all the same in the ways that matter, parent or not. ☺️
I’m not sure of the cultural standards where you are, but at the core we are unique, and it is often the ‘story’ our culture places us within that shapes who we become. Of course, this is not actually who we are, and so…there lies the ache for so many.
Connecting with and expressing your ‘truth’ through creativity might help you to break free from the cultural norms.☺️ Art and creativity in general are beautiful ways to express our soul essence. Keep expressing your creativity, and you’ll never truly lose yourself. 💞 So much love and luck on your journey. You will find yourself, again. Close your eyes. Relax. Take a deep breath. And you will find her when she’s ready to be found. I am so so sure of that.xx ☀️
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