How are you all? Well, I hope, and if not: that’s okay, too, because even rain is beautiful when you look at it a certain way.
I’m so sleepy but I wanted to say hello. I’ve been a little disconnected from here of late, and though most of you may not have noticed, it’s been weighing on my mind. There are some busy, happy reasons for my disconnection, which I’ll share over the coming months, but for now I’ll just say this:
I’m here when I am, and I’m not when I’m not. (Those of you who’ve been with me a while will know I’m a bit like the wind. Full on one day, not so much the next. This is a bit of a quiet season, I think. I hope that’s okay with you all. xx)
Anyway, I’m about to fall aslee…
Sorry, where was I? Oh, that’s right, awake. Good. Okay, good, I’m awake. But not for long so I’ll say goodnight.
Until we meet again. (Which may be soon, or not for a while, says the wind.)
It’s an odd spot I find myself in. This middle land of bloggy days.
This creative world of half-begun.
These are the things that I know:
I know I love the freedom of this blog: it doesn’t feel right to be stuck in a box.
I know my new blog is ‘a box.’ A lovely box, that I hope to be very proud of one day, but it is a box. I need more than a box.
I know I love this place. It’s home to my love of books. Music. Friends. It is my heart and soul. My unbridled creativity.
I know I’m not ready to give up on my Little Blog of Everything, yet.
So I’ve decided I won’t.
I thought it would make sense for me to let it go, and in some ways it does but in other ways it doesn’t. This grey world. However do we make it through. 🙂
This blog allows all my creative seasons to be, and to be shared.
I love that. I love sharing my talents and passions: for much too much of my life, my creativity was held captive, losing life behind the bars of solitude. I fear that by leaving this place, I will be placing that creativity back in the hands of a sloppy, unappreciative owner. I don’t want to do that.
I want to always let it fly.
So I’ll stay until I know in my heart of hearts that it’s time to say goodbye.
Two years ago, before the universe exploded everything around me, I began two very writerly things. One thing was this blog (and what an absolute gift this place has been to me. Writing and a beautiful little band of friends to share my life with? I mean, what life experience could be more wonderful. )
The other writerly thing I began was my very first novel, which became just about my whole entire heart when it began to spin its delicate web within me. I fell in love with the people, the places, the thoughts, the ideas. Everything. My novel felt like a safe and lovely home, and I felt like I was the lucky owner.
Apparently it wasn’t time for the novel, though, because the universe decided to blow my life up and make me a whole new person (thanks very much universe. Oh, you’re really quite welcome, Brooke.)
Anyway, I’m getting silly ( 🙂 )but according to the universe, there were a few more breadcrumbs of life for me to pick up before this novel could take flight…and without ruining the story for you, I can tell you: the universe was right. My goodness, how right the universe was to blow up my world and my novel.
I can’t quite articulate how I feel about the novel now that I’ve returned to it, but I can say that the clarity of thought and expression I now experience in my creative life— due to the meditation and healing I’ve done since then, I’d imagine — has given me a new set of eyes. And a new piece of my heart to write with. My goodness, you guys. It is the most magical, wonderful thing.
A great deal more of my novel makes sense to me now. I couldn’t possibly have written the novel that was asking to be written back then because I didn’t have the right ingredients within the writerly/ humanly cook book of me, then.
But lately I’ve started hearing whispers from the universe and this is what they’ve said:
I like to pop in every day, if I can. Often there are days that I miss, and today was going to be one of them. I’m just a bit tired, today. The only me I have available to give is a little ‘hello, I hope you’re all doing okay.’
It frustrates me when the Soft Girl is out of action (for those of my bloggy family who are new, the Soft Girl is what I call my intuition/connection to self/connection to my creativity).
That beautiful wind feels ridiculously lovely as it moves through me, and the results of the Soft Girl’s blissful energy in motion are often just as lovely. So I’m missing her, today. She’s having a little snooze, and that’s okay. ☺️
Anyway, so much love bloggy friends. Hopefully I’ll be back with a little more in the tank, tomorrow. xx
I thought I might take a little time away from our lovely bloggy land.
I’ll miss you a fair bit, so I might be back in a couple of days, or three or four. Or a week. (No longer than a week, I don’t imagine.)
It occurred to me the other day that I always have the tap turned on and flowing toward this place, and that it might be nice to turn it off, or at least, around, for a while.
I’m sure the creative flow will just split off into another river of expression. What will it be, I wonder? I do have some pot-plant pots that need painting. A canvas that’s been sitting bare for about six-months (partly because I’m lazy, partly because I’m busy, and partly because I can’t really paint.)
Anyway, I thought a bit of time to recharge might be nice.
I’ll be in the contact section if anyone needs me.
I’m hovering over the heater. If my pants were made of plastic, in fact, they’d have melted to my legs by now.
That’s beside the point, I suppose. The point is…actually, there is no point. I’m just feeling a little glum and I wanted the world to know that this sort of thing happens to people.
It happens, and here I am, gifting you all with the gloriously heavy mud bricks of proof. Proof of glum. (Thank goodness I made this a little blog of everything. Today, it’s my diary.)
I wonder if any of you remember the girl who started this blog. Perpetually happy. Not a cloud in the sky. She was a little soul starved, certainly, but she was sparkly, and happy happy happy. She could walk in nature and listen to music without bursting into flaming sobs of aching life.
My life is broken. And it’s also the greatest, most beautiful magical life I’ve ever known; a creative adventure that touches me to the very core. Can you see the utter confusion I’m dealing with here?
I’m angry. At everybody and nobody at all.
I’m sad, because I am.
I’ve just read a wonderful article about the creative brain, actually, and how creative folk do tend to go through bouts of depression and the like, just because of the way we’re wired. Because of the often self imposed isolation (umm, me.) Because of the heightened senses (umm, also me.)
I suppose it’s a seperate can of worms when you throw in a marriage seperation, two small children, a global health pandemic and a raging angry sea of humans. I feel all these things deeply. And where once I buried pain as soon as it struck, I now allow myself to feel it. (Who even does that. Blurgh.)
I don’t want anyone to worry about me. The clouds always clear. Usually by morning (so there’s the bright side girl, being annoying again.)
But life, hey. ☺️ Sometimes I just feel a little more human than I really want to, and I suppose the next part of my journey is learning how to be okay with that.
I’m certain I must be known around town as that girl who walks and cries. It’s the music. It quite literally becomes me, to the point where I feel like I’m a floating puff of emotional cloud. It’s not even my emotion. Its the emotion (the energy) of the song. People must think I’m barking mad as I float along, sometimes whimsical, sometimes in tears.
Six-year-old me. Bundled in a blanket. Mum hoisting me into the air, swinging round and about and back again.
‘This sack of potatoes is SO HEAVY!’, she jollied, as she wobbled me up the porch steps and into Nan and Pops arms for the evening. She was a young, single woman. I suppose she must have been going out on the town.
That moment. It was thirty-one years ago, but actually— in my heart and in my mind, it’s now. I see it—and feel it— clearly. Dreams live on the same street as memories: sleeping dreams, and dreams for a brighter day. Books and the characters to whom they introduce us: they live in the magical, beautiful blackness, too.
That’s where they live, I think.
And bloggy friends? One day, I will call us (and this bloggy land of ours) a beautiful, beautiful memory.
But in the twinkling dust of eternity—we will always be now.
And we will always be able to find each other at home.
To me, that is just one of the loveliest, lovely things.
I may be about to make the biggest mistake of my life.
Okay, that’s a little dramatic, let me rephrase.
I may be about to make the biggest mistake of 2020.
What’s the big mistake, you ask?
The thing that’s got me a little rattled, a little nervous, a little unsure?
It’s the first of May, tomorrow.
And THIS is happening!
I’m both frightened and thrilled, all rolled into a woman.
Thrilled because the last Darling blog of May brought so much beauty and fun to my life.
Frightened because the last Darling blog of May could have gone SO badly wrong, given there are only SO many ‘darling things’ a girl can think of on any given month of her life.
But I am ready.
And so it is we begin.
The only rules are: the official ‘darling’ post for the day must reference ‘darling’ in some way. I might play with either the word or the concept…there are no limits, except for that teeny little word: Darling.
And yes. I’m leaving the rules relatively open to allow me the opportunity to, umm, (cough) cheat on days the creative tank is running on empty. (Lol. I am NOT sorry, guys! This is for my own sanity. Ha ha ha.)
I will also continue with my regular content when the tank is full enough to allow more than one post a day— you’ll know the difference by both the title and the ‘Darling blog of May’ banner at the bottom of each post.
So, yes. That’s what’s happening this month on The Little Blog Of Everything.
I so hope everyone can make it along for the ride! Yay!
I felt connected to myself today, somehow more grounded than I’ve felt for a long while.
It was a surprising— and much longed for—shift in energy, I have to say. It reminded me of the early days of this blog, when I was still me enough to feel steady on my feet, but not me enough to know I was about to fly somewhere. And I didn’t know where I was about to fly, all I knew was…it was going to be somewhere else.
Somewhere free, somewhere so incredibly beautiful— and as it happens, that place is slowly finding me. Slowly, very slowly, but it’s finding me, and I’m grateful.
I’m grateful to those of you who’ve stayed with me through the waves. The highs and lows of a newly single Mum of two, who, quite frankly, still has quite the way to go before finding anything that looks remotely like stability.
But I’m getting there.
And today…well, today made me think that I might just be a little closer than I thought I was to getting back to the grounded girl (woman) who started this blog.
The depression has been the killer for me, I think. The uncertainty of a life gone mad, threw me (and continues to throw me, actually) under the bus of life, and given I’ve isolated myself fairly solidly for, oh, you know, my whole life…I’ve largely been dealing with all these changes alone. So, guys…it’s kind of sucked. Majorly. Just a little bit. (I should point out that I’m not placing myself in the role of ‘victim’, here. I’m aware that every step of my journey has been mine to take. I’m just pointing out what has been.)
Actually, I’m so truly grateful for many things. Having you guys to come back to, my two particularly patient besties, a really rather reasonable ex-husband (and positively brilliant Father, might I add), and a Dad of my own who takes my breath away with his steadfast, gentle there-ness. I mean, really, what’s an upside-down life when you have all of those wonderful things to turn your frown around.
You may have noticed the changes to my blog, and if not, that’s okay. I’ve never been very good at noticing peoples’ new hair cut either (even if they’ve had long hair and cut most of it off).
One thing I can guarantee will not be changing is my absolutely bonkers personality; the girl that brings you ‘dad’ jokes one day and mushy gooey poetry the next. The thing that this ‘awakening’ has taught me is that I am a blank canvas. I can be whoever I want to be, whoever I enjoy being the most.
And so I’ll keep being that slightly random (okay, pretty bloody random) girl you all know so well, if you don’t mind. I never did fit into a box, and I’ll never aim to fit into one either.
I’m just very randomly me.
And I’m so glad I’ve got a very lovely band of lovely heads (you guys!) to spill all my tears and love hearts onto, every now and then.