Due to expire in a couple of days, due to expire. And I’m not going to renew it.
I’m attached to this, my sweet little bloggy home. Truly, I am.
I’m attached to all of you, whose faces I see, whose hearts I feel I know, somehow.
But I think this time, it really is time.
Time to reinvent myself, maybe.
Time to be brave and…do something else (you all know I’ve been wobbling about for quite sometime.)
I’ve got my new creativity website which may need some attention at some point. (The link for that one is brookecutlercreative.com. Please head over and subscribe if you’re not already, I’d hate to entirely lose you all. xx)
And, of course I’m intending to continue my novel, and to keep writing at medium and see where that road drifts to.
But I think I’ll let my plan expire, here, and…just see what happens.
I can’t pay for two websites: that’s one thing I do know, and that leads me to thinking this may just be the perfect time to let the wind blow. And sit here. And let it all be.
I’m so very unsure.
But I can be brave enough to let the wind take me.
I can be brave enough to allow uncertain life to meet me here.
I sat beside the river and smiled. It seemed a little funny to me that us humans believe we are the stars of this Earth show and that nature is here for us, rather than with us. What if we are here for nature? I think it’s more likely that we are all just here, to be whoever and whatever we are.
Last night as I sat beside the river, an epiphany that’s been growing within me grew a little more, so I thought I’d share it with you guys, just in case you’re interested.
I’ll start with the trees. Trees begin with a trunk. As they rise (grow) they branch out, one branch at a time. Each branch thickens and solidifies over time, and as it does it gives birth to new branches, which then give birth to new branches and new branches, until finally we reach the climax: the leaf.
Flowers. All begin with a stem which grows and, in time, becomes a beautiful little bud, bursting for change, bursting to open. Petal by petal it reveals itself, until eventually we have a fully open flower. It doesn’t happen over night, the growth process. But perhaps that’s the whole point of all life. The journey.
We know roughly what will come of a growing tree/flower because we’ve seen it so many times before and so the expectation is to look toward the finished product. To wait for it, even. But what if we’d never seen a fully grown flower? What if we’d never seen a fully grown tree? All we would have is each individual moment to watch the flower bloom. The same is true for the tree.
A flower/tree has never experienced itself, or this life, before, so how would it know how to grow but to simply let the process be and to experience whatever may happen along the way?As the flower blooms, as the tree branches out, as the human lives and ages…all there is is the process. Living. Experiencing. That’s all there is. For all of us.
And so it could be said that nature is here to live and experience life as consciously and fully as we humans are. Each flower is here to find out what it is like to bethat particular flower in that particular environment, in every moment it lives. Some flowers live to be picked or destroyed. Some live their whole lives to wither and naturally die. The same goes for trees. Some tree branches may be jumped on by a child and broken, leaving the tree injured and in need of renewal and repair. Some will mend on their own. Some will need help. Some, as nature and all things go eventually, will die.
These processes the natural world go through: they are really no different than the processes we go through, as humans. Growth. Challenges. Being loved and cared for. Being abused. Nature goes through it all, right alongside of us, and none of us have any clue what the journey will be until we are in it, living it, being it.
This will likely sound a little (cough: really quite) crazy to those of you who are absolutely not on the nature train, so perhaps I’ll leave you with a little piece of homework, if you’re interested in diving deeper. When you are next outside, go to the nearest tree and hold your hand up beside a leaf (palm facing you). Look at the leaf carefully. Then look at your hand carefully. Look at the leaf and your hand, again.
When you see it, you will smile, I guarantee you that much. And you will know, without any doubt, that you are not at all alone in this universe.
I was sitting on a public toilet, talking to an invisible person in my mind.
It didn’t occur to me to think it strange. It was about eight months into this new woo woo phase of my life—the one where, among other things, I seemed to be picking up some pretty wonderful advice from an invisible world that I still wasn’t entirely sure I believed in. Could it be that my guides and angels were just a figment of the wonderland that is my imagination? Well, yes. That was entirely possible, I thought.
And yet, by that point in my awakening journey, the number of psychic experiences popping up in my life had become so great that I was starting to wonder how I could still be in disbelief about it all. I’d even started to think back through the years of my life, looking at some of the daydreams of my past (visions that I can still see in my mind, that had oddly come to pass years later.) At the time, I’d passed them off as coincidence. Now…I was slowly changing my mind.
Back to the toilet then, shall we (sorry about that, ha ha ha :P) I had been leaning into the woo woo stuff at that point, really trying to learn about it and figure out how I wanted to use it in my day to day life. Here was a good opportunity to connect. My husband and I were about to go to Teppanyaki where shy me would be seated at a table with (omg) strangers, and not only that, but I’d been experiencing a bit of depression at the time. I really was a bit nervous as to how the night might go.
So I asked for help. ‘Guides,’ I thought, can you please show me/tell me something that will happen tonight that might help me?’ You have to understand that, at this point, I was still highly skeptical about the validity of my relationship with my guides, or even if the woo woo existed at all. And so, when my imagination flashed me a vision of a lady leaning into me, deep in conversation about something that seemed to be quite profound…I let it in, and then I let it go.
It was probably nothing.
With the vision, though, came a strong knowing that this lady had something very important to say to me and that I should absolutely listen and go with the flow of where the conversation was taking my thoughts and feelings. I admit I was curious.
The evening wore on and I forgot all about the vision and my silent conversation with the invisible people. The food was delicious and the wine was also wonderful…it really did seem like it was going to be a fairly nice night, and completely woo woo free. Until the cook, who was sizzling the food right there on the hot plate in front of us got out his playing cards and announced it was time to play a guessing game.
Well. What a perfect opportunity to test out my guides, hey? Surely they’d be able to give me the correct answers if the woo woo stuff really was real? And so, I did what I do. I asked them for an answer. As the cook shuffled the cards, he asked the lady beside me to think about what number she thought he was about to reveal. She ummed and ahh-ed and laughed and smiled. Number 3 flashed into my mind.
I can’t remember the number the lady chose. All I remember was the shock that surged through my body when the cook turned the card around. It was number 3. What a coincidence. Next guess belonged to the ladies’ husband, and again I asked my invisible people for the answer. 6, they flashed at me.
And 6 it was.
This happened one more time, and once again my ‘guess’ was correct. By now, I was almost bursting with what on earth is happening to me! to the point where I turned to the lady beside me and confessed. ‘Oh, my goodness. You’re not going to believe this.’
It was what happened next that I will never—not for my entire life long—forget. Thelady leaned into me, just like in the vision. And with a very serious face she said: ‘As soon as you walked in the door, I knew there was something about you. You had a glow that no one else had. I’m a little bit psychic too, so, yes. That’s how I was able to see.’
I nearly fell-off-my-chair. The vision had come true, which essentially told me that my guides had listened to my question and given me the answer, just as I had asked them to. Not only that, but the universe just so happened to sit me at a table with a lady who could help move me forward on my journey. I mean, guys. How could I not believe after all of this?
What followed was a profound conversation between me and my new woo woo friend about the nature of the universe, about my worries of how to fit the woo woo into a life I’d already made sense of. This new ability (or at least the sudden awareness of an old one) changed everything for me, and I really wasn’t at all sure about how to integrate it all. She told me she didn’t use her abilities as a job: they just were, and she just accepted them as a part of her life. I’m starting to think maybe that was the very message I was meant to take away from the conversation.
Acceptance seems to be what I’ve struggled with the most on this awakening journey. Learning to trust that what is happening in my life is happening for a very specific reason, whether I know what that reason is, or not.
I’ve not communicated directly with my guides much at all since then because, honestly, I’ve been SO afraid. This new truth of mine just gives the world another reason to make me feel as though I don’t quite fit in: and that is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. But with the upheaval of this whole ‘awakening’ has come a profound anchor into an inner strength I’ve never known. That’s why I’m slowly starting to accept everything that is, and speak openly and honestly about it all, no matter how it frightens me. It’s okay if people judge. I accept myself, and that is all that really matters.
Not only that—I’m finally starting to love myself.