Categories
Healing

Brave Face

I walk the streets listening to music that makes me cry.

I suppose I will do this until I have made peace with my past and become all that I am in this moment forever onwards, but for now, this is me: and me feels achingly beautiful. Like snow.

To walk the streets in this way, releasing newly risen anger and pain, is the gasp for breath I’ve needed to take for so long. Was I holding my breath, all those years? What did I do with anger and sadness before I learned to tie them in a ribbon of apricot sun?

I am no different to the one who reads this. Each of us travel through childhood gathering scars we will carry for the rest of our lives, or at least until we face them. I am facing mine, now.

I am feeling the anger and the pain.

I am also feeling a greater love than I’ve ever known.

For the sweet little girl I was, and still am in many ways.

For the beautiful people who loved me. How they nurtured my softness, how they pained to see it tarnished by the hardness of the world.

This is the gentle home of me.

Please, come in, just the way you are.

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Categories
Poetry

Muddy Waters

Muddy waters are pure

beneath the mud.

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Categories
Spiritual Awakening

Confessions Of A Meditator

This is a big post for me. A very vulnerable one, which is saying something, considering all I ever do is unzip my chest and share my heart with the lot of you.

I’m sharing all this with you because I’ve been largely bottling it all up inside, for many reasons, really, but mainly fear of judgement. I think I’m ready now, though. I think it’s time to share.

I suppose I want to dive a little bit deeper into my awakening story because I’m so sure there are others out there who are going through very similar experiences. I want to be as specific as I can, to help them. Because, guys…I was scared shitless when I went from being normal, to…well, really not very normal at all.

Before I had all my medical check ups, even though I was faced with a sea of internet advice from those who’d travelled the spiritual path before me, I was still convinced I was probably dying. At the very least, broken in some way. My body is perfectly fine as it turns out. Better than fine, more often than not, apart from the depression that’s arisen from travelling a bit of a rocky road of late.

Below are some of the changes I’ve experienced on my journey so far:

  1. I can feel music within my body.

I’ve always felt a great surge of freedom and joy while singing, so that’s not really new. But what is new is the feeling of bliss/wind and lightness beneath my skin as I listen to certain songs. This energy feels so, so beautiful, and seems to match the intensity/vibe of the particular song I’m listening to. And no, it’s not at all normal, I don’t suppose. Unless…it is? Maybe you lot have all had the pleasure of living this way this whole time and I’m only just coming to the party now. How funny to think of that! Where have I been my whole life? That poor little softie I used to be must have numbed out pretty early on to have missed out on all this goodness!

2. I feel my own power within my body, and I hold myself accordingly.

This one was a super freaky change for me. For my whole life I’ve lived as this sweet, quirky, shy little thing. I’m still all those things. But I seem to have grown into a beautiful confidence I’ve never known. Now I speak with my hands and I hold myself like a lion when I need to. It’s freaky. And absolutely the most graceful, empowering feeling in the world. I do still suffer from some pretty yucky insecurities, from time to time, particularly when my energy is not at all clear and my hormones are ridiculous, but over all the empowerment is a lovely addition to team me.

3. When my energy is clear, writing (creating) is as easy as breathing.

I meditate everyday which clears my energy. It feels a little bit like I’ve had a shower on the inside, which is the most wonderful light feeling in the world. It activates The Soft Girl (my intuition/grace/God/the universe-whatever you believe is in charge of this whole shindig) and when it does, my writing just flies out of me. I don’t think. I just write. And somehow, by some miracle, what I write makes sense. And isn’t entirely terrible, either.

4. I feel the energy flowing through specific energy centres, and through my body, when I write (sometimes.)

This is one of my absolute favourites, and completely new, post awakening. When I sit down to write a poem, let’s say, I relax my entire body and as I do I begin to feel the energy flow. It begins at my lower belly (my sacral chakra) as a very light swirling feeling, as though a cool wind is moving through my abdomen. (I should be clear here: before my awakening, I had never even heard of Chakras, so you might imagine just how freaked out I was when I began to feel the energy swirling, buzzing and lighting up within my body! Ha ha ha.)

This same cool wind moves up and through my torso as I write. This is the sensation I call The Soft Girl, and this lovely lady feels like the sweetest, softest bliss. I’d imagine, to all you out there on team God, this feeling would be considered Grace. I could easily believe that. Though I don’t necessarily believe in a bearded man called God, I believe this is surely much more than a neurological function. It is far too beautiful a feeling, and life change, not to be considered something more.

5. I can feel my energy grounding into the earth.

This one is also an absolutely wonderful feeling. There are a few ways I feel this one: and these ways are available to all, I might add, through meditation. The first way I feel my energy grounding is through my legs and feet. There is a wonderful practice in meditation where you ask (focus) your energy to move down your legs and into the earth. We have chakras in our feet, and when you intend to open these chakras you can actually feel the energy in your feet begin to whir and release. Just so beautiful, and so worth a try for all of you who are curious.

Another way I feel my energy ground is by sitting on the earth. This one is a little more rare, for me, but as I sit on the earth and relax (and, again, intend to ground my energy) there is almost a heavy rippling feeling where my seat bone meets the earth. Very often this is also accompanied by an involuntary jolt at the base of my spine. Guys. This one is super freaky and amazing. To feel my body jolt involuntarily like this…it’s just so cool. And people wonder why I’m so in love with nature. 🙂

***

Anyhow, I’ve been wanting to share all this for a while now but, honestly, even though it’s all been going on for a couple of years, sharing it all is still very new to me. I tend to stay quiet about the particulars unless I know I’m talking to a safe person, someone who won’t judge me for being odd or broken or the like.

I’m not alone in this life transformation and the beautiful oddities that come along with it, I know that. Many of my friends are now experiencing this sort of awakening, too, which is so lovely and reassuring. But I’m yet to come across an Empath with my specific deep feeling sensitivities. I’m dying to have that conversation. You know the one. The ‘oh, my goodness, ME TOO!’ one.

If any of you out there would like to share your own awakening/meditation/energy healing experiences in the comments, please do. Anything that will help me, and others, feel less alone and more empowered to explore the boundaries of our path can only be a good thing, I think.

So much love, my very bloggy family. Stay safe. Ugly cry as much as you want. 🙂

xx Brooke

Categories
Healing

Healing Again

Some more memories came up for healing, today.

It is the most fascinating process, it truly is. Especially considering the memories, as they come up, are attached to a physical feeling within my body and a recognition of the vibration of that particular feeling. (Eg- shame, guilt etc.)

For those of you who are relatively new here, thinking: what on earth is she on about, I should probably explain. I experienced quite a drastic life change a couple of years ago which I call, and many call, a spiritual awakening. After this time, my nervous system returned to the super-sensitive energy system of my youth and has since been dragging me through a healing journey of sorts— a journey that is slowly bringing to the surface the buried wounds of the highly sensitive girl I once was.

The emotions that came up with the memory today were guilt and shame. My goodness. All the bellyaching. And interestingly, the recognition of these particular vibrations was a surprise for me, momentarily, because I had completely forgotten that guilt and shame were a part of this particular experience. Obviously, I’d done an excellent job of burying them.

Let me go through the memory that came up.

I was around nineteen, I’d say, and still living at home. I’d never had a large group of friends, always opting for my own company and the company of my precious keyboard (and my C.D’S and my Nintendo 64.) I was working with my Dad at the time of the memory and, one day, full of excitement, he pulled out a gift for me. A very expensive one. A game of laser tag— a game that would require a large group of friends to go along with me. Friends I did have, If I counted them all, but…I didn’t want to.

I froze.

I could not do this.

‘Why?’ my Dad asked.

‘Because I don’t have enough friends,’ I said, petrified.

Shame-ridden because anxiety was the real reason.

Guilt-ridden that my Dad had done this beautiful thing for me, and yet there was absolutely no way I could even think about doing it. My mind, my everything, was frozen.

Anxiety wasn’t a new thing for me. It had stopped me from taking part in the year eleven ball a couple of years before because I just wanted to watch my friends do it. That was nonsense, of course. I was a dreamer, an all the way through romantic. I longed to take part in the ball. The real reason was that I was terrified. Surely no boy would want to go with me…and the rules were that the girls had to do the asking.

Nope. Not me. What if they said no?

Or worse…what if they laughed at me. And then said no.

I still struggle with my sensitivities, I won’t lie, but now I am able to appreciate them, too. I’m often able to harness the most beautiful depth and power by bringing them to life and asking them to shine, instead of just having them break me like they sometimes choose to do. So there’s that lovely thing. For example, without them, this blog would have died about two years ago. And where would I be without you lot, hey? 🙂

The thing is, though, these ‘superpowers’ have done quite a bit of damage to me in the past, and now is absolutely the time to take care of that poor little muffin child I was. My goodness, I ache for her.

But the great news is, in this moment, she is safe and well.

In this moment she is here.

And healing.

purple rose on wooden surface
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