First: meditation. The deepest pains of the past rising to the surface, drawing all of my softness to me. An exploration of times where my life showed me the absolute worst of humanity. The true aches of life.
Second: I randomly found myself scrolling through old photos on my computer. Photos of the most beautiful moments life has ever given me. Reminders of the whole hearted joy I’ve been privileged to have experienced in this life of mine.
Do you think this turn of events was an accident?
Do you think my two seperate adventures through memories gone by was an accident?
I don’t. I think it was meant to be. The whole picture in view for me to see, back to back.
You might think the glow of an open heart to be impossible outside the honeymoon phase of romantic love, but I assure you: it’s quite possible. And it is very, very lovely, my goodness.
When I relax into the warmth in my chest, I feel the most beautiful sense of softness and love radiate through me. Especially when I’m listening to music. It’s as though a night light has been switched on in the dark of me, and there I am, ready to hold it out to the world in search of someone to share its glow with.
A physical feeling of heat and light, is the best way I can describe my version of an open heart, and there are not many natural feelings like it at all (apart from the primal urges of childbirth, perhaps, which…actually, I should write a post on that, sometime. Childbirth is often painted for its painful side, but overlooked for the absolute primal miracle it is.)
I’m so terribly unfinished in terms of my emotional healing from the past, but there are some beautiful things going on in my life in the now that I’m grateful for. For the first time in my life I’m happily rising early to do yoga. Every morning. I’ve done it for a week, and I know I won’t stop because I’ve decided it, firmly. It feels far too beautiful to wake my body up in such an earthy way, and it’s linked with the very best part—I’m no longer rushing around and frantic when it comes time to whistle the kids out the door. In itself, that is a small step in the right direction.
It definitely helps that I’ve found the most beautiful, gentle yoga teacher on YouTube. Every time he whispers ‘relax, it’s alright, it’s all good’, it’s like it activates something within my core that knows he is one hundred percent right. That, no matter what, it’s alright, it’s all good.
Anyhow, I just wanted to check in with my real voice and let you all know I’m still here and that, no, I’ve not got a poetry writing robot posting here on my behalf. Although, truly: I’ll be if I know where some of my writing comes from. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: some of the words I write really do not feel like my doing, at all. It’s all very magical and lovely and strange.
I’m happy with magical and lovely and strange, if you are. xx
The eucalypts are alive, here. For whatever reason, this part of the world seems to be windy more often than not, and I’m so very pleased about that. Life seems to flow more with the wind.
I wonder, sometimes, if you all wonder where I disappear to when I’m gone for a few days without any hint as to where I might be. In this case, I’ve escaped the hustle and bustle of the city, with my family, and we are enjoying the most beautiful post-lockdown deep breath.
This morning, as I meditated by the pool, overlooking the giant swaying gums ( sigh ) I felt at ease. The wind on my skin was refreshing and, rather than distracting me, seemed to bring me into a deeper state of peace. The birds and their jarring squawks seemed at odds with the peace I sought, and yet it all became me. Each squawk felt no different to other thoughts or feelings that float in the air around me, daily; and that, to me, seemed so profoundly beautiful. To feel the world as a part of me. It was all the lovely things.
Now. If you’ll kindly excuse me. I have some more lovely deep breaths to catch.
It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Awake at 3:30 am, and really not at all tired, actually.
So I thought I’d pay you all a visit and just waffle for a while.
I’m not sure why I’m awake. I’ve had a very emotional day, perhaps that’s it; I’ve not been the best with sticking to a proper meditation routine, over the past few weeks of crazy busy. For me, a break in meditation usually means that when I do happen to find a nice rhythm, again, the heavier stuff I’ve been carrying tends to clear in waterfalls of tears. It’s lovely, really. I’m more than happy to cry out my pains, especially when I see all the good it’s done me so far.
I’ve lived enough in my life to have found many pieces of the human pie, which continue to blow my world apart, beautifully. On the surface, many of these ‘growth’ opportunities have looked like pain, and yes, in the day to day living part they’ve been painful to go through. But they have shown me things I need to heal, and they’ve also shown me how far I’ve come since I was that soft, quirky, shy little girl who would back out a cafe door at the moment of entry, if the owner looked even the tiniest bit like a meanie. And that feels really, really lovely to me.
To have gone from being someone who has buried most of the difficult things I’ve faced in life, to now be looking at them and daring to move through them bravely: I’m very proud, I have to say. I’ve still got no idea half the time, and I’m still so brokenly human, but life is for living and that’s what I’m doing.
Not only that, but I now have the promise of a beautiful soft internal world to return to when the waves of human nonsense have passed on through. I know the soft girl’s energy very well, now, so when I fully embody the beautiful warm breeze of her, I know I’m home, and I’m grateful. What a gift. I’ll never take such feminine softness for granted.
It’s such a dense and horrible world at times, which still has the ability to topple me (like the bullying post I wrote the other day) but I am getting there, I think.
I should probably try to sleep, I suppose. 🙂
So much love, bloggy friends. You know you all mean the world to me. I hope you’ve all been sailing through your own human waves and coming out shining. If not, that’s perfectly okay. You will shine again. I’m quite sure of that. xx
This is a big post for me. A very vulnerable one, which is saying something, considering all I ever do is unzip my chest and share my heart with the lot of you.
I’m sharing all this with you because I’ve been largely bottling it all up inside, for many reasons, really, but mainly fear of judgement. I think I’m ready now, though. I think it’s time to share.
I suppose I want to dive a little bit deeper into my awakening story because I’m so sure there are others out there who are going through very similar experiences. I want to be as specific as I can, to help them. Because, guys…I was scared shitless when I went from being normal, to…well, really not very normal at all.
Before I had all my medical check ups, even though I was faced with a sea of internet advice from those who’d travelled the spiritual path before me, I was still convinced I was probably dying. At the very least, broken in some way. My body is perfectly fine as it turns out. Better than fine, more often than not, apart from the depression that’s arisen from travelling a bit of a rocky road of late.
Below are some of the changes I’ve experienced on my journey so far:
I can feel music within my body.
I’ve always felt a great surge of freedom and joy while singing, so that’s not really new. But what is new is the feeling of bliss/wind and lightness beneath my skin as I listen to certain songs. This energy feels so, so beautiful, and seems to match the intensity/vibe of the particular song I’m listening to. And no, it’s not at all normal, I don’t suppose. Unless…it is? Maybe you lot have all had the pleasure of living this way this whole time and I’m only just coming to the party now. How funny to think of that! Where have I been my whole life? That poor little softie I used to be must have numbed out pretty early on to have missed out on all this goodness!
2. I feel my own power within my body, and I hold myself accordingly.
This one was a super freaky change for me. For my whole life I’ve lived as this sweet, quirky, shy little thing. I’m still all those things. But I seem to have grown into a beautiful confidence I’ve never known. Now I speak with my hands and I hold myself like a lion when I need to. It’s freaky. And absolutely the most graceful, empowering feeling in the world. I do still suffer from some pretty yucky insecurities, from time to time, particularly when my energy is not at all clear and my hormones are ridiculous, but over all the empowerment is a lovely addition to team me.
3. When my energy is clear, writing (creating) is as easy as breathing.
I meditate everyday which clears my energy. It feels a little bit like I’ve had a shower on the inside, which is the most wonderful light feeling in the world. It activates The Soft Girl (my intuition/grace/God/the universe-whatever you believe is in charge of this whole shindig) and when it does, my writing just flies out of me. I don’t think. I just write. And somehow, by some miracle, what I write makes sense. And isn’t entirely terrible, either.
4. I feel the energy flowing through specific energy centres, and through my body, when I write (sometimes.)
This is one of my absolute favourites, and completely new, post awakening. When I sit down to write a poem, let’s say, I relax my entire body and as I do I begin to feel the energy flow. It begins at my lower belly (my sacral chakra) as a very light swirling feeling, as though a cool wind is moving through my abdomen. (I should be clear here: before my awakening, I had never even heard of Chakras, so you might imagine just how freaked out I was when I began to feel the energy swirling, buzzing and lighting up within my body! Ha ha ha.)
This same cool wind moves up and through my torso as I write. This is the sensation I call The Soft Girl, and this lovely lady feels like the sweetest, softest bliss. I’d imagine, to all you out there on team God, this feeling would be considered Grace. I could easily believe that. Though I don’t necessarily believe in a bearded man called God, I believe this is surely much more than a neurological function. It is far too beautiful a feeling, and life change, not to be considered something more.
5. I can feel my energy grounding into the earth.
This one is also an absolutely wonderful feeling. There are a few ways I feel this one: and these ways are available to all, I might add, through meditation. The first way I feel my energy grounding is through my legs and feet. There is a wonderful practice in meditation where you ask (focus) your energy to move down your legs and into the earth. We have chakras in our feet, and when you intend to open these chakras you can actually feel the energy in your feet begin to whir and release. Just so beautiful, and so worth a try for all of you who are curious.
Another way I feel my energy ground is by sitting on the earth. This one is a little more rare, for me, but as I sit on the earth and relax (and, again, intend to ground my energy) there is almost a heavy rippling feeling where my seat bone meets the earth. Very often this is also accompanied by an involuntary jolt at the base of my spine. Guys. This one is super freaky and amazing. To feel my body jolt involuntarily like this…it’s just so cool. And people wonder why I’m so in love with nature. 🙂
Anyhow, I’ve been wanting to share all this for a while now but, honestly, even though it’s all been going on for a couple of years, sharing it all is still very new to me. I tend to stay quiet about the particulars unless I know I’m talking to a safe person, someone who won’t judge me for being odd or broken or the like.
I’m not alone in this life transformation and the beautiful oddities that come along with it, I know that. Many of my friends are now experiencing this sort of awakening, too, which is so lovely and reassuring. But I’m yet to come across an Empath with my specific deepfeeling sensitivities. I’m dying to have that conversation. You know the one. The ‘oh, my goodness, ME TOO!’ one.
If any of you out there would like to share your own awakening/meditation/energy healing experiences in the comments, please do. Anything that will help me, and others, feel less alone and more empowered to explore the boundaries of our path can only be a good thing, I think.
So much love, my very bloggy family. Stay safe. Ugly cry as much as you want. 🙂
Well it’s not so secret anymore, now that I’m telling you about it, is it? The language that lives within me that I don’t even understand yet. But post spiritual awakening there has been a distinct shift in the way my body and brain process information, and it’s all so fascinating to me I thought I might share it with you all.
Some of you may remember the blog post I wrote a few months ago about the new way I’d begun to release stress, that being: I visualise a black cloud of gas (stress) streaming from each of the energy centres in my body while I meditate. This seems to both calm me and make my physical body lighter, and so I use this ‘visual’ method to help move stress and anxiety to the place they truly belong (cough: not within me.)
Another interesting language of me made a comeback today, after my initial discovery of it in the very early days of my awakening, that being a language of both visual and feeling elements mixed into one.
In the early stages of my awakening, I began to experiment with Tarot cards and was blown away by the fact that reading Tarot seemed to physically move energy to different places within my body in order to emphasise certain messages within a particular spread. For instance, if the spread was talking about a powerful person, the energy within my body would feel very heavy and low while I was trying to decipher the message. This added physical element seemed to give me more information about the message the cards were asking me to deliver, which was both super cool and pretty handy, indeed.
It was a similar visual/feeling team that made an appearance within my body today while I was speaking with my new post-relationship counsellor, a young woman who also seemed to know quite a bit about this new woo woo world I’ve been thrust into. I told her the whole story from start to finish, from awakening to marriage separation, and as we began the tennis match of a conversation, I realised that my brain was trying to work in a visual/feeling method, once again.
As I began to describe the issue at hand to the counsellor— one which has been causing me great distress and confusion of late—I saw a dirty brown colour surrounding a visual scene in my mind’s eye. I described it to the therapist as feeling ‘dense and muddy’. This issue presented itself to me visually to my left, and down low (as if it were playing on a TV screen at my feet, just to the left of me.)
In the next instance, I compared this muddy issue with another scenario, and when I did, I instantly felt this as a lighter energy within my body (a little like the feeling of the wind that sometimes flows through me when I play or hear certain songs). The colour surrounding the visual of this scene was silvery-white— a fascinating contrast to the muddy scene I’d just experienced. This lighter scene appeared in my minds eye also, but to my right-hand side, and up high. (Thank goodness the therapist seemed well versed in talk of spiritual awakenings, otherwise, she might have thought I was a little bit (cough: completely) nuts, watching me point from left to right, down to up, trying to explain the invisible scenes laid out before me.
The interesting thing about this new me language is that it allows me a clearer picture of the way I feel about certain life events in comparison to each other. By adding a physical element to the scene I was describing, I found that I was able to gain a more accurate idea about how I really felt, and which issues I obviously need to work on some more in order to clear them up within me. Obviously, the lighter feeling felt better for me, and so I’ll now be able to go away and really look at how I might get more of my issues looking and feeling a little more like that.
Anyhow, I hope some of that makes even just a little bit of sense to you guys. You are more than welcome to think I’m absolutely nuts. If I wasn’t me, I’d think I was nuts, too, so you’re very welcome to swing that way if you’d like. Otherwise, this may encourage some you to pay a little more attention to the way that your own brains and bodies work together to help you deliver all your inner business into the outer world.
You never know what magic you might find under your own bonnet.
It appears that I’m back from the black hole of everybody get the hell away from me, I’m having an actual meltdown. Thank goodness for that, too, because it kind of sucked being in mega cranky land for all those days of black. It felt a little like I was in a dark room and couldn’t see a thing.
Stress is such a bugger, isn’t it? It has a way of stopping a person in their tracks, just as things seem to be getting better. I have a couple of interesting (cough: just plain odd) ways of looking at stress and the way it sits energetically in my system, so I thought while it’s on my mind—while I’m so fresh from this black hole—I might share them with you guys.
I suppose it’s all linked to that dark room I referred to earlier. Stress makes it hard to see clearly what is in front of me, and, if I’m going through a bit of a tough time and my energy system is already overloaded with all the painful nonsense…there really is no room for any of the good stuff to move on in.
Late last week, the beautiful counsellor I’d been seeing asked me where I see my life heading over the next little while, and I honestly could not answer her. So I put my predicament to her in woo-woo terms.
‘I’m having a vision of a brick wall,’ I said to her. ‘I know there is something behind this wall, but I can’t see what it is yet because there are too many blocks of stress that make up the wall. In this vision, I’m seeing myself taking down one brick at a time, and as I do, slowly the thing behind the wall (my future) is becoming clear.’ I really liked that idea of a wall of stress being made up of the individual stresses I am currently facing, because it made me see that if I pick off just one brick at a time, I will end up with a clearer picture in the end.
The other way I’ve been dealing with stress, lately— now that I can’t help but think of things in terms of energy— is by visualising the stress in my body as black smoke. It seems to me that the more stress (energetic bombardment) I have in my life, the thicker that cloud of muddy black in and around me is likely to be. Who could possibly see clearly through such a dense fog of black? Not me, that’s for shiz.
When I’m trying to clear my own energy of all the icky stuff, I’ll often visualise a trail of black smoke leaving my body as I breathe deeply, and I’ll keep visualising that very same image until all the black is gone.
This was how I got the Soft Girl to come back to me the other day. I sat on the grass and did all the breathing, getting rid of all the black energetic smoke, and voila! A few hours later, there she was. My beloved Soft Girl. Interestingly, my physical body also felt lighter once all the black stuff was gone, too— and that makes me feel as though there really is something to the saying: ‘stress is weighing me down.’
Anyhow, that’s all very woo woo, I know, but there’s no denying the clarity I feel after a good meditation session where I take enough time to rid myself of the energetic black stuff that makes up my stress blocks. Even though it’s kind of an odd way of looking at things, I thought it might be nice to share with those of you who are open to alternative methods of stress relief.
The universe is such a clever muffin. I really shouldn’t downplay its genius by using words that soften my stance such as ‘clever’ and ‘muffin’, should I? I should be using solid words. Power words. Words like: ‘The universe is such a brute force,’ or something like that anyway.
It’s 2:21 am. You may need to forgive me a clunky sentence or two, but I’ve just been woken by the internal ramblings of a girl in crisis (cough: me) and that seems to be the perfect entry point for me to begin my blogging journey once again.
I say I’m in crisis because it really does feel to me like my life is a little like a china shop that’s been trampled by a team of angry bulls, but don’t let that worry you too much. Broken china scattered all about the place is about a million times more beautiful in my eyes, and so it is that the girl half-full enters the china shop to put you all at ease. I am not entirely okay. But I will be more than okay one day in the not too distant future. So there is that lovely thing to think about, isn’t there.
Having my china scattered all about the place has allowed me to see it in parts, and my goodness—what a shock it has been to find some of these parts. What a shock it has been to have realised that this entire time…I have had a choice. A choice to look out for my own needs above others. A choice to avoid overthinking and worrying. A choice to be okay with not being okay. A choice to say, ‘actually, I’m not okay with that. Perhaps we might consider doing it my way, instead.’
This post has been triggered by a dream. I’m well aware that there are many people out there who believe that dreams are just random, but my dreams have transformed my life in too many ways now for me to dismiss them as nonsense. Yes, some do seem to be random. But others, such as the one I’ve just woken from, are, without any doubt in my mind, meant to be seen, felt and healed.
Looking back over the years at some of the more traumatic dreams I’ve woken from, I can see exactly the lessons I should have received from them, had I actually paid attention and respected the power of the human psyche for what it is. Miraculous intelligence. We are fascinating creatures, guys. I mean, really, we are. We’re so brilliantly complex and amazing—isn’t it time we started to respect the power we all hold within ourselves?
The universe is a brute force. It will not stop until its messages have been received and processed, and so it is that I sit upon my bed in the early hours writing these words for you all to read. Now. Time to sleep. My goodness, I’ll be a little bit sleepy tomorrow then, won’t I?