It’s becoming easier. Easier to find them, easier to keep them.
I suspect it is because I’ve been at this meditation caper for so long now that the benefits are becoming more obvious. My flow state is easier to come by and easier to recognise, and because of this, life is peaceful and fulfilling for the most part.
I thought it might be nice to share with you some of the ways I come about this state of flow, in the hopes of helping you find your own river of loveliness. It’s a beautiful thing, to know your heart and follow its whisper. And although your journey to the centre of you will likely be different to mine, I wanted to leave this little love letter for your soul, just in case my journey is able to help in some way.
Meditation. This could look different for everyone. Some might meditate by gardening. Some by drawing or colouring. Some by sorting grain into different piles (no kidding, it’s a thing, and I’m tempted to try it.)
I meditate the eyes closed way, daily. I also garden and draw, but I find that cleansing and grounding my energy via meditation works the best for me. Most of the western world denies the existence of subtle energy, but I feel it within my body, and because of this, I feel when there is a blockage.
Does meditation make me the perfect human? No, sadly not. But it does seem to help me in many areas of life. Parenting. Relationships. And creativity. It helps me feel more alive physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m beyond grateful.
Following the Breadcrumbs. We’re all a little bit the same, but we’re also very different. Because of the different part, it’s important to come to the understanding (at least it was for me) that although it helps to be inspired by others, ultimately we find our truth on our own. We hear the heart whisper. We follow the breadcrumbs.
When I first began following my breadcrumbs, I was still heavily influenced by the truths of others. In fact, I didn’t know I had a truth. All I knew was what this person thought or what that person did, and I assumed that they were right and so I should do their this and their that.
Eventually, I began following the little whisper of my own heart. The process was similar to following a breadcrumb trail. I’d pick up one crumb (idea/action) on the track and that would lead me to the next, and the next, and the next. This breadcrumb trail, followed fluidly, is my flow, a state of love and fulfilment unique to my own journey. It’s partly why I question the point of even writing posts like this: because you’ll find your own way. You won’t need me to write a ‘how to’ blog post. You’ll have you. You’ve always had you.
One crumb reveals the next.
On my journey, I’ve found that each step reveals my next action.
An example is what happened today, when we got home from our trip. I probably should have been unpacking. Instead, I found myself down on my hands and knees, replanting a cutting I’d taken from one of my other plants in the garden. This wasn’t in the plan, and yet I just went with the river to see where it headed. It headed to me clearing a new patch of garden, which now looks absolutely lovely and neat and promises so much more joy to come.
The thing is, I’d never even thought this garden might be a part of my future plans, and it was only after trimming back my other plants that I gave it any attention at all. Now I have plans to redesign the whole space. It’s already changed our yard so beautifully, no doubt the next breadcrumb I pick up will reveal something even more magical.
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I hope that little waffle session has given you a little something to think about. I’m sending so much love to everyone and hoping a great big river of you comes along and sweeps you up. You won’t always stay in its current (at least, I don’t, because I’m human) but you will enjoy it when it grabs you, I’m so sure.
It’s hard to tell what brings me back to the Soft Girl. She’s certainly not always around, especially not these days of nappies and loudness and putting out the emotional spot fires of small children. But today she came back.
I found her in the music again as I drove back from the shops. Music has the peculiar ability to remind me of the beautiful people and times that have touched my soul, and when it does…the Soft Girl is right there. Opening the door. Letting it all flow in.
Why did I decide to call my spirit the Soft Girl, you might ask? Well, it’s because thats the way my energy feels when it moves within me. Soft. Like a gentle breeze blowing through me.
When the Soft Girl is around I feel calm and I feel peace.
And that’s all I’ve been looking for my whole life long.
Peace. That’s all.
That’s all.
And now I’m the closest I have been to having it, because I finally know that that is what I’ve been searching for all along.
I’m so grateful for the gifts meditation and yoga have brought to my life. I’m still unsure what it’s all for, and even what it is that I’m meant to do with these new and beautiful feelings, but I’m starting to gather the clues. And they are leading to new and delicious places, sometimes expected, sometimes a complete surprise.
I’m off to bed now, I’m exhausted.
But I wanted you, my beautiful bloggy friends, to know that I adore you, and I hope each and every one of you is in your happy enough place.
It’s a confusing time, to say the least, because suddenly I live in a world where the choices are mine to make, and the healing of all my most painful inner wounds must be done by me, and nobody but me.
I used to ask others to fix me. In fact, I was so dependent on others that, up until the day the universe tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Omg, girl. You need to be waking up right about now,’ I continued to think that everyone else was probably right about just about everything, which of course meant that I was probably wrong. Such is the slippery snake of low self-esteem. The particularly cruel thing was…when self-esteem issues lived beneath my surface, never once did I think that anything was amiss. Until, at last, I did.
When I ‘accidentally’ embarked upon this ‘awakening’ journey— this epic road to self-love and acceptance—I had no idea what was happening me. I was just happily going along in the world ‘being me’: writing my novel, being a Mum. Not much was different apart from the fact that maybe I kind of liked trees a little bit more than usual, and that the sky colour had changed from ordinary to brilliant, for some weird and wonderful reason.
That’s when the odd pull to exploring spirituality happened. I was particularly taken by the way energy lives in this world and the different ways energy works within the universe to link and move us all. It was all so mind-blowingly fascinating to me, and it only became more enticing when I discovered the ability (an ability we all have) to move this energy to wherever I wanted to move it in my body. Like, omg. Guys. It was like finding wonderland after never having even heard of it before.
(Side note: If you’re interested in trying to feel your own energy, it’s as simple as relaxing and thinking the energy into a particular area of the body. The foot is a good one to try. You’ll likely feel a heavy sensation, and maybe a bit of a tingling or vibrating.)
Of course, that version of me who was just ‘having fun’ with exploring my energy—including my psychic skills and all the rest—really had no idea what was about to begin, and that, actually, by entering into this process, I would be setting myself up for the ride of my life: the making of an almost entirely new human being.
‘I’ was no longer ‘driving’ me. That became obvious very early on, almost as soon as I’d made the decision to let my intuition (or, the soft girl, for those of you who are long-time readers of this blog) come out to play. I began to give in to the woo woo of it all, to listen to the ‘signs’ and follow my natural urges. It was like the universe was the fridge, and I was the magnet. It was not letting me go.
As a result, I found myself experiencing the past all over again, this time for the purposes of healing. I hadn’t even realised how much pain lived inside of me. I hadn’t wanted to realise, more accurately, because knowing it was there would mean I’d have to face it. Now, I did not have a choice. It was coming, and it was coming in the form of bucket loads of tears (not to mention ALL the MILLIONS of poems. lol. Have you noticed those, yet? 😛 )
Sometimes these wounds would surface in dreams. Sometimes they would be triggered by others. Sometimes I’d just naturally find myself thinking of something from my past, and just knowing that I had to figure out why that particular memory had surfaced after so long lying dormant. I intuitively knew these inner pains needed to go, and so I got rid of them; through meditation, through music, through nature, through talks with friends and my counselor.
As a result of all this ‘facing the music’ I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am better by far, and I am worse by far, too, and ultimately that’s the balancing point I sit upon right now. I can’t go back to where I was before all this began: that is the only thing I know for sure.
From the very start of this process, I’ve had the very clear knowing that this is all leading me somewhere, and the ego hasn’t liked the vague timeline it’s been given to work with one little bit. Where on earth am I going, universe? And how will I know when I’m there? But If I’ve learned anything of this process it is this: the universe absolutely knows where I am going. And I am absolutely not meant to know.
Yet.
A wonderful friend of mine, who often drives me absolutely batty with the simplicity he lives his life by, says to me this: ‘You think too much. I just pay attention to where my feet are right now. That’s it.’ I envy him this freedom, the freedom to be whoever he needs to be in any given moment.
And, actually, I know with all the deeper parts of me that he is right. Life really is in the moment that I am living right now, and funnily enough, reaching that conclusion on a more concrete level is very likely where all this is likely to end for me. If I’m brave enough to let go of the ways I’ve previously known to be true.
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