Your truth is true
because you believe it.
And you must believe it
until you no longer do.
There is no quick way to birth a rose.
A rose must slowly
awaken
to beautiful
wide-open
life.
Wide-open-life.
It is a place that exists only
in the sky of us.
A neutral place,
where all are loved,
and all love
unconditionally.
Believe what you will.
Choose a side
if you will.
It is true for now.
It is true, only for now.
Until the rose opens.
Until the garden grows.
I am all that I am,
and wherever I drift
on the wind of today
is as it should be,
is all that I am.
As it should be
is all that I am.
You think you are one thing.
You are not one thing.
You are the entire ocean.
Take your time,
be every drop.
Life is busy and overwhelming at the moment. I’m better for the tools I’ve found to bring me back to softness (walking, gratefulness, meditation) but it’s a mammoth slog I’ve been through.
And a mammoth slog that lay ahead.
My husband and I are merging two houses into one. House work must be done. Small children must be both survived and parented beautifully, given the monstrously high standards I set for myself.
And I need to write, or create (more than I have been) or I might die. No one is dramatic here. No one at all.
I’ve never been through a period of life that has been so truly exhausting, from all angles, for so long. A million different balls hover in the air around me and I do not know which one to reach for in order to catch it and bring it down.
Not only that, but my spirit is quite literally breaking free from my body, shouting (well, more buzzing and glowing, really) to be let out, to be set free. From something. From everything. The energy that moves through my body so often brings such beauty to my life, but I can also hear it asking to be apart of something more. I wish I had the time, clarity, and grit to give it what it is asking of me.
I’m grateful.
I’m tired.
And it’s tough. And it’s oddly beautiful.
It is not the darkness
of others
I fear.
It is my own
crimson need
to mould the world
into a shape
that cannot possibly exist,
or remain.
Perfection is rigid,
solid,
stiff.
Life
is the ever flowing river
of everything,
everyone,
every way.
Broken?
Unbroken?
Right?
Wrong?
There is nothing
but life asking questions.
And answering them
as it will.
I have lived in a great land
beyond time,
beyond name
beyond here.
Where the sun kissed my soul
morning and night,
and my days were surrounded
by honey pink flowers
and tangerine trees.
Sometimes,
I try to forget about that place.
The faded perfection of this world
never does compare
to the sweet milky sunsets
of my homeland.
Still, I visit occasionally.
Still, I suppose I always will.
She came in a neat and tidy box.
Most of them did.
Until they opened the box
and life began.
When the moon is full
they will remember:
the wolf howls
into the shining night.
And so do they.
This is a big post for me. A very vulnerable one, which is saying something, considering all I ever do is unzip my chest and share my heart with the lot of you.
I’m sharing all this with you because I’ve been largely bottling it all up inside, for many reasons, really, but mainly fear of judgement. I think I’m ready now, though. I think it’s time to share.
I suppose I want to dive a little bit deeper into my awakening story because I’m so sure there are others out there who are going through very similar experiences. I want to be as specific as I can, to help them. Because, guys…I was scared shitless when I went from being normal, to…well, really not very normal at all.
Before I had all my medical check ups, even though I was faced with a sea of internet advice from those who’d travelled the spiritual path before me, I was still convinced I was probably dying. At the very least, broken in some way. My body is perfectly fine as it turns out. Better than fine, more often than not, apart from the depression that’s arisen from travelling a bit of a rocky road of late.
Below are some of the changes I’ve experienced on my journey so far:
I’ve always felt a great surge of freedom and joy while singing, so that’s not really new. But what is new is the feeling of bliss/wind and lightness beneath my skin as I listen to certain songs. This energy feels so, so beautiful, and seems to match the intensity/vibe of the particular song I’m listening to. And no, it’s not at all normal, I don’t suppose. Unless…it is? Maybe you lot have all had the pleasure of living this way this whole time and I’m only just coming to the party now. How funny to think of that! Where have I been my whole life? That poor little softie I used to be must have numbed out pretty early on to have missed out on all this goodness!
2. I feel my own power within my body, and I hold myself accordingly.
This one was a super freaky change for me. For my whole life I’ve lived as this sweet, quirky, shy little thing. I’m still all those things. But I seem to have grown into a beautiful confidence I’ve never known. Now I speak with my hands and I hold myself like a lion when I need to. It’s freaky. And absolutely the most graceful, empowering feeling in the world. I do still suffer from some pretty yucky insecurities, from time to time, particularly when my energy is not at all clear and my hormones are ridiculous, but over all the empowerment is a lovely addition to team me.
3. When my energy is clear, writing (creating) is as easy as breathing.
I meditate everyday which clears my energy. It feels a little bit like I’ve had a shower on the inside, which is the most wonderful light feeling in the world. It activates The Soft Girl (my intuition/grace/God/the universe-whatever you believe is in charge of this whole shindig) and when it does, my writing just flies out of me. I don’t think. I just write. And somehow, by some miracle, what I write makes sense. And isn’t entirely terrible, either.
4. I feel the energy flowing through specific energy centres, and through my body, when I write (sometimes.)
This is one of my absolute favourites, and completely new, post awakening. When I sit down to write a poem, let’s say, I relax my entire body and as I do I begin to feel the energy flow. It begins at my lower belly (my sacral chakra) as a very light swirling feeling, as though a cool wind is moving through my abdomen. (I should be clear here: before my awakening, I had never even heard of Chakras, so you might imagine just how freaked out I was when I began to feel the energy swirling, buzzing and lighting up within my body! Ha ha ha.)
This same cool wind moves up and through my torso as I write. This is the sensation I call The Soft Girl, and this lovely lady feels like the sweetest, softest bliss. I’d imagine, to all you out there on team God, this feeling would be considered Grace. I could easily believe that. Though I don’t necessarily believe in a bearded man called God, I believe this is surely much more than a neurological function. It is far too beautiful a feeling, and life change, not to be considered something more.
5. I can feel my energy grounding into the earth.
This one is also an absolutely wonderful feeling. There are a few ways I feel this one: and these ways are available to all, I might add, through meditation. The first way I feel my energy grounding is through my legs and feet. There is a wonderful practice in meditation where you ask (focus) your energy to move down your legs and into the earth. We have chakras in our feet, and when you intend to open these chakras you can actually feel the energy in your feet begin to whir and release. Just so beautiful, and so worth a try for all of you who are curious.
Another way I feel my energy ground is by sitting on the earth. This one is a little more rare, for me, but as I sit on the earth and relax (and, again, intend to ground my energy) there is almost a heavy rippling feeling where my seat bone meets the earth. Very often this is also accompanied by an involuntary jolt at the base of my spine. Guys. This one is super freaky and amazing. To feel my body jolt involuntarily like this…it’s just so cool. And people wonder why I’m so in love with nature. 🙂
***
Anyhow, I’ve been wanting to share all this for a while now but, honestly, even though it’s all been going on for a couple of years, sharing it all is still very new to me. I tend to stay quiet about the particulars unless I know I’m talking to a safe person, someone who won’t judge me for being odd or broken or the like.
I’m not alone in this life transformation and the beautiful oddities that come along with it, I know that. Many of my friends are now experiencing this sort of awakening, too, which is so lovely and reassuring. But I’m yet to come across an Empath with my specific deep feeling sensitivities. I’m dying to have that conversation. You know the one. The ‘oh, my goodness, ME TOO!’ one.
If any of you out there would like to share your own awakening/meditation/energy healing experiences in the comments, please do. Anything that will help me, and others, feel less alone and more empowered to explore the boundaries of our path can only be a good thing, I think.
So much love, my very bloggy family. Stay safe. Ugly cry as much as you want. 🙂
xx Brooke
This morning, I stood at the sink and cried.
Years ago, quite by accident, and quite without me knowing why…I stopped crying after a lifetime of being a human river. I didn’t notice it happening, it just happened and there was nothing for me to do but keep living, wondering if this was the me I was meant to be all along.
I now know the lack of tears meant that I had lost myself. That I had been suppressing my emotions, either for the comfortability of those around me (to fit in) or just because the difficulties of life had closed my heart in order to keep me safe.
This morning, as I slushed around in that pile of dishes, I felt my wholeness again. For those of you who are new to my beautiful bloggy family, this reawakening of my spirit/senses began about two years ago, I’d say, and every so often I find myself reaching new milestones of truth, you might call them.
This morning delivered one of them, and every beautiful current of the river that once moved me was back, if only for a few moments. I’d just been told a story. A very sad one. A story of a man who had lost his wife and child in a car crash many, many years ago.
I cried those tears as though I was that man. I felt those tears as though I was that man. I ached for his pain. I cried for him.
And I knew it was right.
And I knew that, once again, I was all of me.
