When there is,
in this soft heart,
a tear for sweet love departed,
a tender wave of grief upon the shore;
where do these small hands go?
How do I hold
and kiss
and whisper
each precious ache
into wholeness, once more?
There is an apricot sun in the distance.
There is a mighty perfection
twinkling in the eye.
And so it is,
the ache shall be
here
and I shall know her.
Until I have known her eternal home.
Today, I begin the school of life again.
I hold my own hand, soft and unsure, as I stand at the gates of the unknown.
I am afraid.
I am also deep within the stillness of unafraid—
the beautiful tendril in the clouds,
the sweet surrender of a long resisted kiss.
I am the quiet that takes each step with me.
I am the longing I leave at the gate.
I am the breath this new life fills me with.
I am
all that I am,
and always will be.
This body.
Graceful, strong, electric.
These senses unknown,
awakening with every glance,
every touch,
every moment of
this
enchanting
life.
Explosions of light beneath the skin,
and I am hooked.
And waiting for the next burst of sun
to explode
from within.
Naturally me.
Naturally a miracle
unfolding beneath the covers
of humanity’s eternal slumber.
Do you feel it?
The song, dancing you into the breeze, can you sense it?
Changing your every thought, your every need?
It lives in the ocean of all of us.
It plays in the rivers of those who believe.
This wind, this sun, this freedom.
It is, and always has been, in the ocean of all us.
When you catch it, you will believe.
Well it’s not so secret anymore, now that I’m telling you about it, is it? The language that lives within me that I don’t even understand yet. But post spiritual awakening there has been a distinct shift in the way my body and brain process information, and it’s all so fascinating to me I thought I might share it with you all.
Some of you may remember the blog post I wrote a few months ago about the new way I’d begun to release stress, that being: I visualise a black cloud of gas (stress) streaming from each of the energy centres in my body while I meditate. This seems to both calm me and make my physical body lighter, and so I use this ‘visual’ method to help move stress and anxiety to the place they truly belong (cough: not within me.)
Another interesting language of me made a comeback today, after my initial discovery of it in the very early days of my awakening, that being a language of both visual and feeling elements mixed into one.
In the early stages of my awakening, I began to experiment with Tarot cards and was blown away by the fact that reading Tarot seemed to physically move energy to different places within my body in order to emphasise certain messages within a particular spread. For instance, if the spread was talking about a powerful person, the energy within my body would feel very heavy and low while I was trying to decipher the message. This added physical element seemed to give me more information about the message the cards were asking me to deliver, which was both super cool and pretty handy, indeed.
It was a similar visual/feeling team that made an appearance within my body today while I was speaking with my new post-relationship counsellor, a young woman who also seemed to know quite a bit about this new woo woo world I’ve been thrust into. I told her the whole story from start to finish, from awakening to marriage separation, and as we began the tennis match of a conversation, I realised that my brain was trying to work in a visual/feeling method, once again.
As I began to describe the issue at hand to the counsellor— one which has been causing me great distress and confusion of late—I saw a dirty brown colour surrounding a visual scene in my mind’s eye. I described it to the therapist as feeling ‘dense and muddy’. This issue presented itself to me visually to my left, and down low (as if it were playing on a TV screen at my feet, just to the left of me.)
In the next instance, I compared this muddy issue with another scenario, and when I did, I instantly felt this as a lighter energy within my body (a little like the feeling of the wind that sometimes flows through me when I play or hear certain songs). The colour surrounding the visual of this scene was silvery-white— a fascinating contrast to the muddy scene I’d just experienced. This lighter scene appeared in my minds eye also, but to my right-hand side, and up high. (Thank goodness the therapist seemed well versed in talk of spiritual awakenings, otherwise, she might have thought I was a little bit (cough: completely) nuts, watching me point from left to right, down to up, trying to explain the invisible scenes laid out before me.
The interesting thing about this new me language is that it allows me a clearer picture of the way I feel about certain life events in comparison to each other. By adding a physical element to the scene I was describing, I found that I was able to gain a more accurate idea about how I really felt, and which issues I obviously need to work on some more in order to clear them up within me. Obviously, the lighter feeling felt better for me, and so I’ll now be able to go away and really look at how I might get more of my issues looking and feeling a little more like that.
Anyhow, I hope some of that makes even just a little bit of sense to you guys. You are more than welcome to think I’m absolutely nuts. If I wasn’t me, I’d think I was nuts, too, so you’re very welcome to swing that way if you’d like. Otherwise, this may encourage some you to pay a little more attention to the way that your own brains and bodies work together to help you deliver all your inner business into the outer world.
You never know what magic you might find under your own bonnet.
Love lives not in the sound of the music,
but in the deep, melodic swell
that fills the body
of a hungry
restless
soul.
I attacked the garden today. Actually, as usually happens, the garden attacked me—but my goodness I enjoyed the time out there with all that green and lovely stuff.
Until about thirteen seconds ago, this post was going to be about my interesting emotional state whilst chopping, weeding and sweeping all the clutter into neat and tidy piles. But the final sentence of that last paragraph there has triggered me into a new train of thought, so I’m going to go with it.
This morning I took my Son roller skating for the school holidays, and while skating around the rink with the little roller cutie, I got to thinking about how light and floaty skating made me feel. As I whizzed around, light as a feather, it felt as if the energy within my body had found its most comfortable physical state.
‘Hah. Interesting,’ I thought. ‘Humans do seem to be attracted to things that take the heaviness off our frames. Sky diving. Swinging. Swimming.’ Why would that be, I wonder? I’m sure there’d be some kind of boring scientific explanation for it, as usually there is in this very orderly adult world we live in.
But maybe it really is because our body is, in fact, an additional extra. That our souls have all kind of just landed and gone: ‘Right, I forgot. I have a body, now. Gosh. Well, what on earth am I going to do with this heavy thing, then?’
Sometimes I feel the lightness of my bodily energy clearly, and other times I don’t feel it much at all. I feel it when music mixes with it. I feel it quite a lot when I’m in nature (nature feels like a deep breath of clean.)
And that brings me full circle, back to paragraph one; the trigger that changed the entire trajectory of this blog post. The thought of how my energy felt while being out with the garden today, versus the thought of how it felt while skating. Can you see how my brain made that giant leap, and consequently ended up drowning you all with another tale of woo woo? (I wonder if others feel as random as I feel sometimes.)
Today’s skating experience made a clear adjustment to my nervous system, and it made me wonder why. And what. And how. So I’m probably going to keep wondering about that a bit longer. And maybe someday I’ll try and find out the real truth about why roller skating feels sooooooo goooooooood.
Ps: I’m totally gonna get some roller skates.
brooke-cutler.com 