The word sipping is very pretty, isn’t it? Delicate, like the action it shows. I can see a small pair of hands, a little tea cup beside a little light. And I know it is home.
I know it is me.
I’m sipping chamomile tea and wishing to be held like this more often. Wishing to be seen in the softness, wishing to share it and have others agree it is a beautiful softness we feel.
Tea is like that. Delicate, like the first breeze of spring, like the bunnies that graze by the river, in the evening. It sounds like a fairy tale, doesn’t it? An unreal imagining, only it’s true.
And so, so beautiful as the delicate rolls all around me.
I have been struggling more than usual over the past few months. Missing the beautiful flow I found a while back, and yet also feeling the embers of momentum begin to burn within me once more.
I wake each morning at 6 and I meditate, followed by yoga if I can fit it in. This is holding myself and my family as best as I can, with love.
I’m proud of myself for giving myself and my family these gifts.
If only a beautiful sun would light the rest of my world, so I could see clearly the path ahead. I forget myself so easily. What I love. Who I am. Each step is as sure as it should be. Why is it I continue to search for relief on the horizon?
I am home.
Let me stay here.
Let me fall into this beautiful sweet depth, forever.
It’s becoming easier. Easier to find them, easier to keep them.
I suspect it is because I’ve been at this meditation caper for so long now that the benefits are becoming more obvious. My flow state is easier to come by and easier to recognise, and because of this, life is peaceful and fulfilling for the most part.
I thought it might be nice to share with you some of the ways I come about this state of flow, in the hopes of helping you find your own river of loveliness. It’s a beautiful thing, to know your heart and follow its whisper. And although your journey to the centre of you will likely be different to mine, I wanted to leave this little love letter for your soul, just in case my journey is able to help in some way.
Meditation. This could look different for everyone. Some might meditate by gardening. Some by drawing or colouring. Some by sorting grain into different piles (no kidding, it’s a thing, and I’m tempted to try it.)
I meditate the eyes closed way, daily. I also garden and draw, but I find that cleansing and grounding my energy via meditation works the best for me. Most of the western world denies the existence of subtle energy, but I feel it within my body, and because of this, I feel when there is a blockage.
Does meditation make me the perfect human? No, sadly not. But it does seem to help me in many areas of life. Parenting. Relationships. And creativity. It helps me feel more alive physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m beyond grateful.
Following the Breadcrumbs. We’re all a little bit the same, but we’re also very different. Because of the different part, it’s important to come to the understanding (at least it was for me) that although it helps to be inspired by others, ultimately we find our truth on our own. We hear the heart whisper. We follow the breadcrumbs.
When I first began following my breadcrumbs, I was still heavily influenced by the truths of others. In fact, I didn’t know I had a truth. All I knew was what this person thought or what that person did, and I assumed that they were right and so I should do their this and their that.
Eventually, I began following the little whisper of my own heart. The process was similar to following a breadcrumb trail. I’d pick up one crumb (idea/action) on the track and that would lead me to the next, and the next, and the next. This breadcrumb trail, followed fluidly, is my flow, a state of love and fulfilment unique to my own journey. It’s partly why I question the point of even writing posts like this: because you’ll find your own way. You won’t need me to write a ‘how to’ blog post. You’ll have you. You’ve always had you.
One crumb reveals the next.
On my journey, I’ve found that each step reveals my next action.
An example is what happened today, when we got home from our trip. I probably should have been unpacking. Instead, I found myself down on my hands and knees, replanting a cutting I’d taken from one of my other plants in the garden. This wasn’t in the plan, and yet I just went with the river to see where it headed. It headed to me clearing a new patch of garden, which now looks absolutely lovely and neat and promises so much more joy to come.
The thing is, I’d never even thought this garden might be a part of my future plans, and it was only after trimming back my other plants that I gave it any attention at all. Now I have plans to redesign the whole space. It’s already changed our yard so beautifully, no doubt the next breadcrumb I pick up will reveal something even more magical.
I hope that little waffle session has given you a little something to think about. I’m sending so much love to everyone and hoping a great big river of you comes along and sweeps you up. You won’t always stay in its current (at least, I don’t, because I’m human) but you will enjoy it when it grabs you, I’m so sure.
I have been searching for peace all my life, but it has only been the last couple of years (I’ve just celebrated my 39th birthday) that I’ve actually realised it. Peace is a value. A need. And for me, it is the greatest need I’ll ever have.
I’ve been a highly sensitive muffin for my whole life, and, as a result, the slings and arrows of the world seem to wound me a little deeper than some. When the penny did finally drop a few years ago that I was feeling and reacting to the subtle energy all around me, my world changed.
With this knowledge, I’ve slowly been uncovering little tips and tricks on how to bring more peace into my life, and I thought…what a wonderful time to share some of these surprising little tid bits with you. They’ve helped me ‘calm the farm’ tremendously, and whether or not you identify as a sensitive muffin, I’d imagine at a time like this they will drastically help you too.
So, if peace is what you’re looking for, here is a little list of the things that may help get you there.
Identify your sore spots and seek to remove them ( No, actually remove them. Really. You have to get rid of them. All of them.)
I never realised how much I hated white plastic toilet brushes until I caught myself having the same thought/feeling I’d been having (unconsciously) over and over throughout my life. Those white plastic toilet brushes are really a little icky, to me.
So I replaced the one in our toilet with a pretty ceramic one: soft grey pattern, bristles neatly hidden away. I cannot tell you the relief it brought. Just the act of removing that previously unconscious anxiety (I know it sounds so silly, it was just a toilet brush) from my life lightened me. It also allowed me to bring more joy to my life in the form of a beautiful decorative toilet brush and holder. Art. So beautiful. (Whoever would have thought a toilet brush could be considered art. )
Limit or remove negative energysources
There is no better time for this than now. Some of the negative energy sources I’ve limited/removed have been the following:
The news. I watch only the bare minimum in order to stay abreast of world events. This is so necessary for me. I feel the pain of the world, and I also feel dense, angry energy on supercharge. There are too many angry people on the news. I choose peace, instead. I am free to choose peace, instead, and so are you.
Social media. Twitter is a long distant memory. Facebook I use only for positive sources, such as positive, supportive writing groups and communication with friends. The moment the comment section begins to look a little hairy, I exit. Again, I choose peace. My life is all the better for it.
The need to be right. I am starting to get better at this, although it’s taken me a while. I once would have argued my opinion, hoping to change the others mind if I felt they were a little on the ‘wrong’ side of the street. Now, I pick my battles. If their opinion isn’t hurting anyone, and they are truly stuck on that train…for the sake of peace, I allow it to be. This one takes a lot of focused energy and consciousness, for me, but it has changed my life and my relationships. So much more lovely peace. For me and for the other person. (I’m not suggesting you repress your feelings, here. I am only suggesting that if arguing is causing more issues for you, choosing not to speak your feelings is perfectly okay. You can process them on your own at a later date, or bring it up with the person when your nervous system has had time to settle.Well, that’s what I do, anyway. )
House plants are not for hippies. And you so completely need one (or soooo many.)
Oh, my plant babies. They lighten the air I breathe. I have somewhere close to twenty houseplants, and they make my life better in so many ways. Not only do they purify the air, they help me practice using my intuition (I seem to intuitively know when it’s time to check them for water, you will too). They are wonderful to help build empathy levels (when you see a dying plant you’ve been desperately caring for, you’ll understand what I mean.) They are just the best housemates in the whole wide world. They are pure peace. You’ll even get a new title: Plant Mum/ Plant Dad. I love that SO much.
Add or remove music
Lately, while gardening, I’ve been bringing the speaker out with me and listening to calming music. It has been SO lovely. And another beautiful lovely thing: calming music while folding the washing. Never would I have thought it…the chores have become my favourite part of the day. No longer do I put my nervous system through a world of hurt by resisting (thinking how much I hate chores, but suffering through them anyway.) Now, I find ways to make chore time beautiful. Music is the very best way, for me.
Another thing: music can be felt and it’s been known to significantly alter moods (I’m thinking this would be particularly the case for us sensitive muffins.) So even if you’ve been loving heavy metal your whole life…if peace is what you’re after and you find your choice of music is inducing feelings or anger or anxiety (even love songs might be doing this, you’ll just need to monitor yourself and get to know how you respond to certain types of music) maybe it’s time to make a different choice. Trying it wont hurt. Loving it will change your life.
Time in nature. Yoga. Meditation.
I do all of these, daily. I need them all, daily. (I’ll do seperate posts on these. They are that important.)
So, there you are. I’ll stop here because, the truth is, I believe we all have an inner radar (sometimes referred to as flow) that guides us to make the exact moves we need to make in our individual lives, and we’re all slightly different in terms of our needs. I’d also hate to rob you of the chance to discover the beautiful intricacies of your own personal river to joy. But for those looking for a quick and easy road to peace, these little tid bits may help to get you there, they’re certainly worth a try.
It’s hard to tell what brings me back to the Soft Girl. She’s certainly not always around, especially not these days of nappies and loudness and putting out the emotional spot fires of small children. But today she came back.
I found her in the music again as I drove back from the shops. Music has the peculiar ability to remind me of the beautiful people and times that have touched my soul, and when it does…the Soft Girl is right there. Opening the door. Letting it all flow in.
Why did I decide to call my spirit the Soft Girl, you might ask? Well, it’s because thats the way my energy feels when it moves within me. Soft. Like a gentle breeze blowing through me.
When the Soft Girl is around I feel calm and I feel peace.
And that’s all I’ve been looking for my whole life long.
Peace. That’s all.
And now I’m the closest I have been to having it, because I finally know that that is what I’ve been searching for all along.
I’m so grateful for the gifts meditation and yoga have brought to my life. I’m still unsure what it’s all for, and even what it is that I’m meant to do with these new and beautiful feelings, but I’m starting to gather the clues. And they are leading to new and delicious places, sometimes expected, sometimes a complete surprise.
I’m off to bed now, I’m exhausted.
But I wanted you, my beautiful bloggy friends, to know that I adore you, and I hope each and every one of you is in your happy enough place.
You might think the glow of an open heart to be impossible outside the honeymoon phase of romantic love, but I assure you: it’s quite possible. And it is very, very lovely, my goodness.
When I relax into the warmth in my chest, I feel the most beautiful sense of softness and love radiate through me. Especially when I’m listening to music. It’s as though a night light has been switched on in the dark of me, and there I am, ready to hold it out to the world in search of someone to share its glow with.
A physical feeling of heat and light, is the best way I can describe my version of an open heart, and there are not many natural feelings like it at all (apart from the primal urges of childbirth, perhaps, which…actually, I should write a post on that, sometime. Childbirth is often painted for its painful side, but overlooked for the absolute primal miracle it is.)
I’m so terribly unfinished in terms of my emotional healing from the past, but there are some beautiful things going on in my life in the now that I’m grateful for. For the first time in my life I’m happily rising early to do yoga. Every morning. I’ve done it for a week, and I know I won’t stop because I’ve decided it, firmly. It feels far too beautiful to wake my body up in such an earthy way, and it’s linked with the very best part—I’m no longer rushing around and frantic when it comes time to whistle the kids out the door. In itself, that is a small step in the right direction.
It definitely helps that I’ve found the most beautiful, gentle yoga teacher on YouTube. Every time he whispers ‘relax, it’s alright, it’s all good’, it’s like it activates something within my core that knows he is one hundred percent right. That, no matter what, it’s alright, it’s all good.
Anyhow, I just wanted to check in with my real voice and let you all know I’m still here and that, no, I’ve not got a poetry writing robot posting here on my behalf. Although, truly: I’ll be if I know where some of my writing comes from. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: some of the words I write really do not feel like my doing, at all. It’s all very magical and lovely and strange.
I’m happy with magical and lovely and strange, if you are. xx
This is a big post for me. A very vulnerable one, which is saying something, considering all I ever do is unzip my chest and share my heart with the lot of you.
I’m sharing all this with you because I’ve been largely bottling it all up inside, for many reasons, really, but mainly fear of judgement. I think I’m ready now, though. I think it’s time to share.
I suppose I want to dive a little bit deeper into my awakening story because I’m so sure there are others out there who are going through very similar experiences. I want to be as specific as I can, to help them. Because, guys…I was scared shitless when I went from being normal, to…well, really not very normal at all.
Before I had all my medical check ups, even though I was faced with a sea of internet advice from those who’d travelled the spiritual path before me, I was still convinced I was probably dying. At the very least, broken in some way. My body is perfectly fine as it turns out. Better than fine, more often than not, apart from the depression that’s arisen from travelling a bit of a rocky road of late.
Below are some of the changes I’ve experienced on my journey so far:
I can feel music within my body.
I’ve always felt a great surge of freedom and joy while singing, so that’s not really new. But what is new is the feeling of bliss/wind and lightness beneath my skin as I listen to certain songs. This energy feels so, so beautiful, and seems to match the intensity/vibe of the particular song I’m listening to. And no, it’s not at all normal, I don’t suppose. Unless…it is? Maybe you lot have all had the pleasure of living this way this whole time and I’m only just coming to the party now. How funny to think of that! Where have I been my whole life? That poor little softie I used to be must have numbed out pretty early on to have missed out on all this goodness!
2. I feel my own power within my body, and I hold myself accordingly.
This one was a super freaky change for me. For my whole life I’ve lived as this sweet, quirky, shy little thing. I’m still all those things. But I seem to have grown into a beautiful confidence I’ve never known. Now I speak with my hands and I hold myself like a lion when I need to. It’s freaky. And absolutely the most graceful, empowering feeling in the world. I do still suffer from some pretty yucky insecurities, from time to time, particularly when my energy is not at all clear and my hormones are ridiculous, but over all the empowerment is a lovely addition to team me.
3. When my energy is clear, writing (creating) is as easy as breathing.
I meditate everyday which clears my energy. It feels a little bit like I’ve had a shower on the inside, which is the most wonderful light feeling in the world. It activates The Soft Girl (my intuition/grace/God/the universe-whatever you believe is in charge of this whole shindig) and when it does, my writing just flies out of me. I don’t think. I just write. And somehow, by some miracle, what I write makes sense. And isn’t entirely terrible, either.
4. I feel the energy flowing through specific energy centres, and through my body, when I write (sometimes.)
This is one of my absolute favourites, and completely new, post awakening. When I sit down to write a poem, let’s say, I relax my entire body and as I do I begin to feel the energy flow. It begins at my lower belly (my sacral chakra) as a very light swirling feeling, as though a cool wind is moving through my abdomen. (I should be clear here: before my awakening, I had never even heard of Chakras, so you might imagine just how freaked out I was when I began to feel the energy swirling, buzzing and lighting up within my body! Ha ha ha.)
This same cool wind moves up and through my torso as I write. This is the sensation I call The Soft Girl, and this lovely lady feels like the sweetest, softest bliss. I’d imagine, to all you out there on team God, this feeling would be considered Grace. I could easily believe that. Though I don’t necessarily believe in a bearded man called God, I believe this is surely much more than a neurological function. It is far too beautiful a feeling, and life change, not to be considered something more.
5. I can feel my energy grounding into the earth.
This one is also an absolutely wonderful feeling. There are a few ways I feel this one: and these ways are available to all, I might add, through meditation. The first way I feel my energy grounding is through my legs and feet. There is a wonderful practice in meditation where you ask (focus) your energy to move down your legs and into the earth. We have chakras in our feet, and when you intend to open these chakras you can actually feel the energy in your feet begin to whir and release. Just so beautiful, and so worth a try for all of you who are curious.
Another way I feel my energy ground is by sitting on the earth. This one is a little more rare, for me, but as I sit on the earth and relax (and, again, intend to ground my energy) there is almost a heavy rippling feeling where my seat bone meets the earth. Very often this is also accompanied by an involuntary jolt at the base of my spine. Guys. This one is super freaky and amazing. To feel my body jolt involuntarily like this…it’s just so cool. And people wonder why I’m so in love with nature. 🙂
Anyhow, I’ve been wanting to share all this for a while now but, honestly, even though it’s all been going on for a couple of years, sharing it all is still very new to me. I tend to stay quiet about the particulars unless I know I’m talking to a safe person, someone who won’t judge me for being odd or broken or the like.
I’m not alone in this life transformation and the beautiful oddities that come along with it, I know that. Many of my friends are now experiencing this sort of awakening, too, which is so lovely and reassuring. But I’m yet to come across an Empath with my specific deepfeeling sensitivities. I’m dying to have that conversation. You know the one. The ‘oh, my goodness, ME TOO!’ one.
If any of you out there would like to share your own awakening/meditation/energy healing experiences in the comments, please do. Anything that will help me, and others, feel less alone and more empowered to explore the boundaries of our path can only be a good thing, I think.
So much love, my very bloggy family. Stay safe. Ugly cry as much as you want. 🙂