Categories
Poetry

Connection

But if I was always

happy

how would I know

the absolute beauty

of real

human

connection.

And how would I discover

the strength

I have

inside.

women hugging each other
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com
Categories
Poetry

The Day The Sun Died

The ocean was alive the day the sun died.

Nobody saw its white beauty.

Nobody felt the cool of its break on their skin.

Eerie silence rose into the sky the day the sun died.

Pain instead of joy, broken instead of fixed;

life, never to shine again.

The sun was dead.

Still the ocean was perfect.

Categories
Poetry

Diamonds and Stones

My next life lesson

will be to blow through days of stone,

and understand that days of stone

do not indicate a whole life

of stone.

Still there are diamond days.

Always

there will be both.

And never

am

I

broken.

Categories
Life

Proof of Glum

I’m hovering over the heater. If my pants were made of plastic, in fact, they’d have melted to my legs by now.

That’s beside the point, I suppose. The point is…actually, there is no point. I’m just feeling a little glum and I wanted the world to know that this sort of thing happens to people.

Sadness. Pain.

It happens, and here I am, gifting you all with the gloriously heavy mud bricks of proof. Proof of glum. (Thank goodness I made this a little blog of everything. Today, it’s my diary.)

I wonder if any of you remember the girl who started this blog. Perpetually happy. Not a cloud in the sky. She was a little soul starved, certainly, but she was sparkly, and happy happy happy. She could walk in nature and listen to music without bursting into flaming sobs of aching life.

My life is broken. And it’s also the greatest, most beautiful magical life I’ve ever known; a creative adventure that touches me to the very core. Can you see the utter confusion I’m dealing with here?

I’m angry. At everybody and nobody at all.

I’m sad, because I am.

I’ve just read a wonderful article about the creative brain, actually, and how creative folk do tend to go through bouts of depression and the like, just because of the way we’re wired. Because of the often self imposed isolation (umm, me.) Because of the heightened senses (umm, also me.)

I suppose it’s a seperate can of worms when you throw in a marriage seperation, two small children, a global health pandemic and a raging angry sea of humans. I feel all these things deeply. And where once I buried pain as soon as it struck, I now allow myself to feel it. (Who even does that. Blurgh.)

I don’t want anyone to worry about me. The clouds always clear. Usually by morning (so there’s the bright side girl, being annoying again.)

But life, hey. ☺️ Sometimes I just feel a little more human than I really want to, and I suppose the next part of my journey is learning how to be okay with that.

I’m certain I must be known around town as that girl who walks and cries. It’s the music. It quite literally becomes me, to the point where I feel like I’m a floating puff of emotional cloud. It’s not even my emotion. Its the emotion (the energy) of the song. People must think I’m barking mad as I float along, sometimes whimsical, sometimes in tears.

Anyway. Fascinating. Wonderous.

Achey.

I’ll get there. x

So much love, bloggy friends.

This ol’ softy, Brooke.

Categories
Poetry

The Same

Bliss

and

grief

are powerfully

confusingly

the same.

Categories
Poetry

A Better Day

There’s a hurricane in your pain.

It whirls around my body as I feel you;

all the moments

that sliced you open

and exposed the parts of your soul

you’ve tried so hard to forget.

I see you,

and I hope that you

will find the clarity to

one day

see yourself beyond the

broken.

You’ve always been beautiful.

You’ve always

been on the road

to a better day.

human eye
Photo by Mati Mango on Pexels.com

 

Categories
Life

Connected

I felt connected to myself today, somehow more grounded than I’ve felt for a long while.

It was a surprising— and much longed for—shift in energy, I have to say. It reminded me of the early days of this blog, when I was still me enough to feel steady on my feet, but not me enough to know I was about to fly somewhere. And I didn’t know where I was about to fly, all I knew was…it was going to be somewhere else. 

Somewhere alive.

Somewhere free, somewhere so incredibly beautiful— and as it happens, that place is slowly finding me. Slowly, very slowly, but it’s finding me, and I’m grateful.

I’m grateful to those of you who’ve stayed with me through the waves. The highs and lows of a newly single Mum of two, who, quite frankly, still has quite the way to go before finding anything that looks remotely like stability.

But I’m getting there.

And today…well, today made me think that I might just be a little closer than I thought I was to getting back to the grounded girl (woman) who started this blog.

The depression has been the killer for me, I think. The uncertainty of a life gone mad, threw me (and continues to throw me, actually) under the bus of life, and given I’ve isolated myself fairly solidly for, oh, you know, my whole life…I’ve largely been dealing with all these changes alone. So, guys…it’s kind of sucked. Majorly. Just a little bit. (I should point out that I’m not placing myself in the role of ‘victim’, here. I’m aware that every step of my journey has been mine to take. I’m just pointing out what has been.)

Actually, I’m so truly grateful for many things. Having you guys to come back to, my two particularly patient besties, a really rather reasonable ex-husband (and positively brilliant Father, might I add), and a Dad of my own who takes my breath away with his steadfast, gentle there-ness. I mean, really, what’s an upside-down life when you have all of those wonderful things to turn your frown around.

You may have noticed the changes to my blog, and if not, that’s okay. I’ve never been very good at noticing peoples’ new hair cut either (even if they’ve had long hair and cut most of it off).

One thing I can guarantee will not be changing is my absolutely bonkers personality; the girl that brings you ‘dad’ jokes one day and mushy gooey poetry the next. The thing that this ‘awakening’ has taught me is that I am a blank canvas. I can be whoever I want to be, whoever I enjoy being the most. 

And so I’ll keep being that slightly random (okay, pretty bloody random) girl you all know so well, if you don’t mind. I never did fit into a box, and I’ll never aim to fit into one either.

I’m just very randomly me.

And I’m so glad I’ve got a very lovely band of lovely heads (you guys!) to spill all my tears and love hearts onto, every now and then.

(Aww. xx)

cropped-img_1085.jpg
This old random, hey. 😛 xx

Categories
Life

Snowflake

I must be a snowflake.

Pristine and fragile as the storm rages.

In the shadow of the ice hills, I tumble

searching for home.

Never landing.

Always floating, tumbling, hurting.

Home.

Where are you?

Where are you steady and gentle home?

Categories
Life

Hiding

There must have been a fire like this before.

The last fire…

she couldn’t remember it,

couldn’t remember a burn

on each and every side before.

Then again

she had a habit of forgetting the fire

like all the other humans did.

Of hiding it under rocks

and mud

and other things.

Like boyfriends,

then husbands,

then wine.

Hiding the flames worked for a while.

Hiding the flames had always worked.

For a while.

Categories
Life

Life Aches

Do not look at me and tell me

that life does not ache

sometimes.

Life aches.

When life is truly

and bravely felt:

life

aches

sometimes.