I’m sitting in the relative darkness and life is happening, all around.
In the bedrooms, my children are sleeping. In the branches, possums are creeping across the night. There are bugs out the window by the thousands, spiders spinning elaborate webs: the most stunning miracles of architecture.
And here, there is me.
Still wondering: what is it all for?
I still feel alone, in many ways, although I’m quite happy to be alone in my alone-ness. Everyone has their own version of alone. My version just so happens to be the way in which I view the world. Just a small difference. Just a tiny glitch of alone on the vast sea of everything.
I suppose I should learn to accept our society as it is. Everyone has vastly different belief systems, and I think that is entirely lovely, one of the shining pearls in the ocean of humanity. I just wish we could happily be ourselves, without the nonsense, though. To be truly authentically ourselves, without having to bend who we are to fit our art into trends. To fit our personalities into social groups. To fit our broken pieces into shining humanity: the great big flying flock of perfection.
I find myself currently wrestling with a box. A place I do not wish to be.
A box, largely self made, partially made by well meaning folk (much like myself) longing for connection and home. What is a box, in the context I speak, you might ask? A trend. A stereotype. A label.
I am (what they call) an Empath. It’s clear that my personality and many of my traits and sensitivities fit into this box they have called Empath, and it’s been so beautiful (and very handy) to have had so many resources and like minded souls to help me feel as though I’m not alone in the universe.
But as much as it thrills me to have found a beautiful little tribe of the sweetest, softest hearts to love: I am suffocating beneath this label. And I don’t want it. I just don’t. Because as like-minded as we who can identify with the label Empath are, we are also a whole world of different, in many ways. Not only that, but we are also very much the same as others who wouldn’t identify as highly sensitive. We are human. Just like everyone else. Not special, not broken. Human.
I want to be free. I am a wide-open, free as the wind that blows me, soul.
I do not want a box. I do not want a box.
I am ready and willing to help other sensitive muffins open to the fullness of who they are, but I just can’t move past this feeling of no, stop, reassess. Yes, it’s clear I am sensitive. But I don’t want this to be a focus in my world, I just want it to be something that is.
If I carry on with my new blog, Empath Days, this will tether me to a box I don’t wish to belong in, and that’s the part of this whole thing I can’t come to accept. Am I overthinking? Probably (I am me, after all). The frame ‘Empath’ has served me well. It has served as contrast and recognition, a mirror to help propel me forward. But I do think that’s all it was meant to be on my life journey. A rocket launcher. A breadcrumb. Not my life’s work. And certainly not my identity.
I started Empath Days (my new little venture, aimed at Empaths and sensitive folk) because I wanted to help others, like me, find their way and feel less alone. But I can do that here, I can do that at the supermarket, I can do that at school pick-up, ’round the dinner table. There are many wonderful Empaths (let me just use the term because it’s easy) out there whose purpose it is to guide other Empaths into wholeness through a specific channel.
I just don’t think I’m one of them. At least, not at this point in time.
Right now, if I am anything, I am a writer of my heart: a liver of my dreams.
If I do have a purpose it is to guide others to open and release from the boxesof this life. To find their dreams, to open their box. Not to encourage people to find a box and stay there. Are we not here to live? Are we not here to fly wherever, whenever, however?
I believe we are.
So I’m going to stop Empath Days in it’s tracks.
I don’t want to be an Empath. I want to be all of me.
I want to create what I create, and I want it to be beautiful, all of it, especially the journey to each sweet prize. The creative process: I want it to be free flying everything.
I want to teach what I’ve learned and drown in my passions.
I want to write my book, my poems, my soul.
I want to live, however I live.
Oh, and I want to love. (Always, always I want to love.)
So I’m going back to the drawing board.
I’ll be back, sweet bloggy friends, when I’ve had a chance to unscrambled my thoughts, a little.
It’s an odd spot I find myself in. This middle land of bloggy days.
This creative world of half-begun.
These are the things that I know:
I know I love the freedom of this blog: it doesn’t feel right to be stuck in a box.
I know my new blog is ‘a box.’ A lovely box, that I hope to be very proud of one day, but it is a box. I need more than a box.
I know I love this place. It’s home to my love of books. Music. Friends. It is my heart and soul. My unbridled creativity.
I know I’m not ready to give up on my Little Blog of Everything, yet.
So I’ve decided I won’t.
I thought it would make sense for me to let it go, and in some ways it does but in other ways it doesn’t. This grey world. However do we make it through. 🙂
This blog allows all my creative seasons to be, and to be shared.
I love that. I love sharing my talents and passions: for much too much of my life, my creativity was held captive, losing life behind the bars of solitude. I fear that by leaving this place, I will be placing that creativity back in the hands of a sloppy, unappreciative owner. I don’t want to do that.
I want to always let it fly.
So I’ll stay until I know in my heart of hearts that it’s time to say goodbye.
Changes are happening everywhere in the world, and this creative life of mine is one place things are shifting! Oh my goodness, where to even begin.
I’ll have a few sneaky little surprises in store for you over the coming months, but one of them I can reveal now, and so…I will! (The rest I will be able to reveal once I actually get my act together and figure out exactly where I’m going with this funny old life of mine.)
Most of you know I’ve been flipping about with this blog, not really sure where I’m going with it, and it’s been bothering me a little: I’ve felt as though there was something calling that I couldn’t quite hear.
Well, I’ve finally heard, and am now finally starting to slot all the puzzle pieces of me into place. Are you ready to hear what my latest creative adventure might be? I’ve created a new blog! On WordPress! (Ha ha ha: because of course I would do an odd thing like that, wouldn’t I?)
The reason for this move is because I’ve been growing increasingly aware of the importance of boundaries in my life, and as you all know: this blog is here, there, and all the way to the other side of the moon and back. (lol :P)
And as much as I love writing in this casual tone to you all, I’ve decided to really hone in on particular sections of my life and run with them for a little while. I’m also going to cut back on the very personal stuff, I think, and focus more on what you guys might benefit from, rather than just, well, waffling selfish nonsense and sending you all a bazillion love hearts whenever I feel like it. 🙂 Sadly, sharing those authentic parts of me are what I’ve loved so much about blogging. But. I really just need a change. I hope you’ll all understand.
So, I’ve created a little hub, I suppose you might call it. A place for people like us to gather, explore our depth and sensitivity, enjoy poetry and photography (which I’ll be shooting, focusing on nature, most likely, though I’d also like to work with exploring a deeper range of colours and textures.)
I’m currently still working on the design and layout of the new blog, but in the meantime you are so very welcome to join me over at:
Eventually I hope to offer some of my work for sale from that platform (my photography and poetry services/framed prints etc) although I’m only in the very early stages of this new creative adventure. It will likely take time to work out the logistics.
So! How exciting, hey, you guys. 🙂 I’m really looking forward to the change in vibe, and hopefully some beautiful conversations with some of you over there. For now, I’ll keep this blog open, but post less often just to free up some extra energetic space for planning ( and, umm, life, you know 🙂 ). I do imagine I’ll eventually shut this site down to focus on the newest arm of my creative journey, though. What a bitter sweet day that will be.
I so dearly hope you will all come along for the ride, my beautiful bloggy friends. Of course, if our journey together ends with the last words of this, my little blog of everything, I will so completely understand and love you for all the beautiful moments we’ve shared along the way. xx
Two years ago, before the universe exploded everything around me, I began two very writerly things. One thing was this blog (and what an absolute gift this place has been to me. Writing and a beautiful little band of friends to share my life with? I mean, what life experience could be more wonderful. )
The other writerly thing I began was my very first novel, which became just about my whole entire heart when it began to spin its delicate web within me. I fell in love with the people, the places, the thoughts, the ideas. Everything. My novel felt like a safe and lovely home, and I felt like I was the lucky owner.
Apparently it wasn’t time for the novel, though, because the universe decided to blow my life up and make me a whole new person (thanks very much universe. Oh, you’re really quite welcome, Brooke.)
Anyway, I’m getting silly ( 🙂 )but according to the universe, there were a few more breadcrumbs of life for me to pick up before this novel could take flight…and without ruining the story for you, I can tell you: the universe was right. My goodness, how right the universe was to blow up my world and my novel.
I can’t quite articulate how I feel about the novel now that I’ve returned to it, but I can say that the clarity of thought and expression I now experience in my creative life— due to the meditation and healing I’ve done since then, I’d imagine — has given me a new set of eyes. And a new piece of my heart to write with. My goodness, you guys. It is the most magical, wonderful thing.
A great deal more of my novel makes sense to me now. I couldn’t possibly have written the novel that was asking to be written back then because I didn’t have the right ingredients within the writerly/ humanly cook book of me, then.
But lately I’ve started hearing whispers from the universe and this is what they’ve said: