Categories
Life

A Place To Stay

I close my eyes and ask to be held in this place.

There must be love. There must be only love or I am broken.

Why was I born this way? Able to feel every ounce of life, unable to process its wrath and swiftly and easily swat it away without a care.

This soft heart.

This kind heart.

She has fire in her veins and hate in the spaces in between.

She has a river, cool and smooth; gently rolling along.

She is lost, again and again.

Oh, dear life, let you find me a sweet home to rest.

Let the rapids turn to ripples.

Let ‘home’ become a place to stay.

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Categories
Life

Tender

It’s late, and I need to sleep.

My heart has been tender, of late.

So tender, and I struggle beneath the weight of my own judgements and expectations of myself and life (as many of us do, I’m sure.)

Sleep will be good.

Rest.

Dreams.

And tomorrow will be a brand new darling day.

Sending all my love, sweet bloggy friends.

You are all so dear to me.

Thank you for walking beside me.

xx Brooke

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Categories
Life

Autistic

I will go to her too-white office, and she will smile from behind her desk of all-knowing. Then she will tell me I am Autistic. (Or something like it.)

I will say to her, I understand, and yes: I do believe I must be.

I will say I feel the world.

I will say the small child within me still remembers the nightly news; the drownings in the Yarra, the little bruised boy’s funeral song, the kidnappers and the murderers. Most people watched these things. I felt them. Just like I felt eggs. (Eggs have a nice feeling about them, although I never did much like the taste.)

Being Autistic would explain it all. And though hyper empathy is not typically seen as an autistic trait, it can be in women, and it certainly is in me.

There has always been an underlying discomfort to my existence.

A difference in what my brain seems to be telling me and what the brains of others seem to be telling them.

My Mum said I was unique and perfect, just the way I was. And perhaps I was. Perhaps I am. But my life was hard.

My life is hard because I live in a world not made for a sea as deep as me.

I have tried to be okay my whole-life-long.

I have tried alcohol and isolation to hide from the big wide world. I have tried avoiding all problems, by telling myself there are none. I’ve tried losing myself in chocolate, in books, in dreams, and in men who held my heart with eyes and whispers that soothed me.

But my soul has at last said, hush darling.

Let the others help you to understand their world. Only then will you fully understand your own.

So I will try to open, and I will try to trust.

And the rose shall bloom a petal and a day.

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Categories
Poetry

Rolling

It is how I am today.

This darling tumble weed,

rolling

slowly down the precious hill

they call life.

I no longer search

for a deeper wind,

to roll faster

or better…

than what?

I simply roll,

and sigh,

and roll and sigh again.

Then slowly come to rest

at the slope’s grassy end.

Categories
Poetry

Rain

I wish only to walk in the rain.

As life thunders around me

imperfection after imperfection

(often mine)

I wish for peace.

And I wish to walk in the rain.

Categories
Poetry

Cruel Deception

What is this sorrow?

It is a shared siren

wailing through the silver

of our human chain.

But darling, you say.

You must smile,

you must

find the joy beyond

the day.

The heart cries

when the heart cries.

A smile

to hide the pain

is but a cruel deception.

Categories
Life

One With It All

I am tired, my body understands this as truth.

And yet there is so much my heart wants to say.

I am desperate to speak.

Longing for home.

I will try to come again, soon.

So my words might fall onto these pages and I might find the home I’ve been missing for so long.

I need to write, as I need to breathe.

My words are one with my breath.

I am one with it all.

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Categories
Poetry

Coming back

I must come back.

Back home, once again

to the depths.

To find a home in the world

and beneath it,

in the deep,

where I belong,

and do not belong.

I must find home

in both the deep

and the shallows

for good.

I must learn to live

and breathe

with

and without

fear.

Categories
Life

Choosing Peace

It is a beautiful fall of rain, and I am soothed.

There is aching in the world.

Noises I cannot escape from.

Truths being loudly and violently declared.

And yet here I am, a witness to it all.

Choosing peace among the chaos.

Choosing peace again, and again.

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Categories
Life

I choose

Just one step deeper. One step further into the stars, and I am there.

It is rare that I allow myself to come home, knowing the depths and where they can take me. Knowing that real life can never be a match to the perfect light I find in this place.

Why do I leave, I ask myself, when perfection is on offer, and the simple task of folding laundry is a beautiful gift of moment to moment life? Everything is soft in the moment. Everything complete, and I am wanting for nothing.

Thought is the destroyer of the wind that moves me, and yet I think, and I fret, and I think about why I’m fretting, and life becomes the scramble it was before I knew this beautiful home in the stars.

Today, this night, I feel a beautiful softness of heart. My eyes are tired, and my soul aches from all the disharmony in the world. And yet, gentle is here, and life fills me with memories of beautiful love gone by.

I choose to be content.

I choose.

To be.

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