I close my eyes, my foot on a chair.
Pots clang. Time flashes,
bright and loud.
Could there be just me and the stars?
Me and my hands on dry earth?
My heart glows at the thought.
And I run, and I run from the noise.
And I run and hold tight to the sweet,
sweet moments of quiet on a hill.
Exhaustion is the arrow to peace.
Peace is the home that waits for me
always.
They were tears like rain. The sort of rain that brings your soul to life as you feel it hard and cold on your skin. Refreshing. Beautiful and nourishing, were those plentiful tears of mine.
I was meditating. It was early afternoon and the baby was sleeping. I’d set the intention to heal my heart, and to clear whatever stuck energy might be blocking me from achieving my highest purpose in life.
I still don’t know what the exact blockages were/are.
But I know that by the end of the meditation, I understood why several of the most heartbreaking things that have happened in my life had to happen. And that they had to happen so that not only I would grow in love, but also, so that others might grow in love, too.
Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard? Firstly that this sort of divine intelligence lies within the very skin we wear. But also, that even the bad things in life serve their specific purposes for the good of universal evolution.
Of course, I could have been making it all up.
Of course I could have been.
But the tears that smashed down my neck and the knowing smile that lit my whole being told me otherwise.
We are a tapestry. Not one of us leaves the quilt without touching another.
The word sipping is very pretty, isn’t it? Delicate, like the action it shows. I can see a small pair of hands, a little tea cup beside a little light. And I know it is home.
I know it is me.
I’m sipping chamomile tea and wishing to be held like this more often. Wishing to be seen in the softness, wishing to share it and have others agree it is a beautiful softness we feel.
Tea is like that. Delicate, like the first breeze of spring, like the bunnies that graze by the river, in the evening. It sounds like a fairy tale, doesn’t it? An unreal imagining, only it’s true.
And so, so beautiful as the delicate rolls all around me.
I have been struggling more than usual over the past few months. Missing the beautiful flow I found a while back, and yet also feeling the embers of momentum begin to burn within me once more.
I wake each morning at 6 and I meditate, followed by yoga if I can fit it in. This is holding myself and my family as best as I can, with love.
I’m proud of myself for giving myself and my family these gifts.
If only a beautiful sun would light the rest of my world, so I could see clearly the path ahead. I forget myself so easily. What I love. Who I am. Each step is as sure as it should be. Why is it I continue to search for relief on the horizon?
I am home.
Let me stay here.
Let me fall into this beautiful sweet depth, forever.
I’m going to gift myself something beautiful, tonight.
I’m going to gift myself time.
I’ve been running on full speed, trying to be everything I can be, just in case I run out of minutes in my day.
Most days, as a Mum of three little ones, I do run out of minutes.
And energy.
So, tonight I will sit and breathe.
I’ll not need to go anywhere, I’ll not need to do anything.
All I’ll need to do
is be.
And the time starts…
now.
It’s becoming easier. Easier to find them, easier to keep them.
I suspect it is because I’ve been at this meditation caper for so long now that the benefits are becoming more obvious. My flow state is easier to come by and easier to recognise, and because of this, life is peaceful and fulfilling for the most part.
I thought it might be nice to share with you some of the ways I come about this state of flow, in the hopes of helping you find your own river of loveliness. It’s a beautiful thing, to know your heart and follow its whisper. And although your journey to the centre of you will likely be different to mine, I wanted to leave this little love letter for your soul, just in case my journey is able to help in some way.
Meditation. This could look different for everyone. Some might meditate by gardening. Some by drawing or colouring. Some by sorting grain into different piles (no kidding, it’s a thing, and I’m tempted to try it.)
I meditate the eyes closed way, daily. I also garden and draw, but I find that cleansing and grounding my energy via meditation works the best for me. Most of the western world denies the existence of subtle energy, but I feel it within my body, and because of this, I feel when there is a blockage.
Does meditation make me the perfect human? No, sadly not. But it does seem to help me in many areas of life. Parenting. Relationships. And creativity. It helps me feel more alive physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m beyond grateful.
Following the Breadcrumbs. We’re all a little bit the same, but we’re also very different. Because of the different part, it’s important to come to the understanding (at least it was for me) that although it helps to be inspired by others, ultimately we find our truth on our own. We hear the heart whisper. We follow the breadcrumbs.
When I first began following my breadcrumbs, I was still heavily influenced by the truths of others. In fact, I didn’t know I had a truth. All I knew was what this person thought or what that person did, and I assumed that they were right and so I should do their this and their that.
Eventually, I began following the little whisper of my own heart. The process was similar to following a breadcrumb trail. I’d pick up one crumb (idea/action) on the track and that would lead me to the next, and the next, and the next. This breadcrumb trail, followed fluidly, is my flow, a state of love and fulfilment unique to my own journey. It’s partly why I question the point of even writing posts like this: because you’ll find your own way. You won’t need me to write a ‘how to’ blog post. You’ll have you. You’ve always had you.
One crumb reveals the next.
On my journey, I’ve found that each step reveals my next action.
An example is what happened today, when we got home from our trip. I probably should have been unpacking. Instead, I found myself down on my hands and knees, replanting a cutting I’d taken from one of my other plants in the garden. This wasn’t in the plan, and yet I just went with the river to see where it headed. It headed to me clearing a new patch of garden, which now looks absolutely lovely and neat and promises so much more joy to come.
The thing is, I’d never even thought this garden might be a part of my future plans, and it was only after trimming back my other plants that I gave it any attention at all. Now I have plans to redesign the whole space. It’s already changed our yard so beautifully, no doubt the next breadcrumb I pick up will reveal something even more magical.
***
I hope that little waffle session has given you a little something to think about. I’m sending so much love to everyone and hoping a great big river of you comes along and sweeps you up. You won’t always stay in its current (at least, I don’t, because I’m human) but you will enjoy it when it grabs you, I’m so sure.
All the best, lovely bloggy friends.
xx Brooke
I have been searching for peace all my life, but it has only been the last couple of years (I’ve just celebrated my 39th birthday) that I’ve actually realised it. Peace is a value. A need. And for me, it is the greatest need I’ll ever have.
I’ve been a highly sensitive muffin for my whole life, and, as a result, the slings and arrows of the world seem to wound me a little deeper than some. When the penny did finally drop a few years ago that I was feeling and reacting to the subtle energy all around me, my world changed.
With this knowledge, I’ve slowly been uncovering little tips and tricks on how to bring more peace into my life, and I thought…what a wonderful time to share some of these surprising little tid bits with you. They’ve helped me ‘calm the farm’ tremendously, and whether or not you identify as a sensitive muffin, I’d imagine at a time like this they will drastically help you too.
So, if peace is what you’re looking for, here is a little list of the things that may help get you there.
Identify your sore spots and seek to remove them ( No, actually remove them. Really. You have to get rid of them. All of them.)
I never realised how much I hated white plastic toilet brushes until I caught myself having the same thought/feeling I’d been having (unconsciously) over and over throughout my life. Those white plastic toilet brushes are really a little icky, to me.
So I replaced the one in our toilet with a pretty ceramic one: soft grey pattern, bristles neatly hidden away. I cannot tell you the relief it brought. Just the act of removing that previously unconscious anxiety (I know it sounds so silly, it was just a toilet brush) from my life lightened me. It also allowed me to bring more joy to my life in the form of a beautiful decorative toilet brush and holder. Art. So beautiful. (Whoever would have thought a toilet brush could be considered art. )
Limit or remove negative energy sources
There is no better time for this than now. Some of the negative energy sources I’ve limited/removed have been the following:
House plants are not for hippies. And you so completely need one (or soooo many.)
Oh, my plant babies. They lighten the air I breathe. I have somewhere close to twenty houseplants, and they make my life better in so many ways. Not only do they purify the air, they help me practice using my intuition (I seem to intuitively know when it’s time to check them for water, you will too). They are wonderful to help build empathy levels (when you see a dying plant you’ve been desperately caring for, you’ll understand what I mean.) They are just the best housemates in the whole wide world. They are pure peace. You’ll even get a new title: Plant Mum/ Plant Dad. I love that SO much.
Add or remove music
Lately, while gardening, I’ve been bringing the speaker out with me and listening to calming music. It has been SO lovely. And another beautiful lovely thing: calming music while folding the washing. Never would I have thought it…the chores have become my favourite part of the day. No longer do I put my nervous system through a world of hurt by resisting (thinking how much I hate chores, but suffering through them anyway.) Now, I find ways to make chore time beautiful. Music is the very best way, for me.
Another thing: music can be felt and it’s been known to significantly alter moods (I’m thinking this would be particularly the case for us sensitive muffins.) So even if you’ve been loving heavy metal your whole life…if peace is what you’re after and you find your choice of music is inducing feelings or anger or anxiety (even love songs might be doing this, you’ll just need to monitor yourself and get to know how you respond to certain types of music) maybe it’s time to make a different choice. Trying it wont hurt. Loving it will change your life.
Time in nature. Yoga. Meditation.
I do all of these, daily. I need them all, daily. (I’ll do seperate posts on these. They are that important.)
So, there you are. I’ll stop here because, the truth is, I believe we all have an inner radar (sometimes referred to as flow) that guides us to make the exact moves we need to make in our individual lives, and we’re all slightly different in terms of our needs. I’d also hate to rob you of the chance to discover the beautiful intricacies of your own personal river to joy. But for those looking for a quick and easy road to peace, these little tid bits may help to get you there, they’re certainly worth a try.
So much love, bloggy friends.
All the best. xx
Brooke
It’s hard to tell what brings me back to the Soft Girl. She’s certainly not always around, especially not these days of nappies and loudness and putting out the emotional spot fires of small children. But today she came back.
I found her in the music again as I drove back from the shops. Music has the peculiar ability to remind me of the beautiful people and times that have touched my soul, and when it does…the Soft Girl is right there. Opening the door. Letting it all flow in.
Why did I decide to call my spirit the Soft Girl, you might ask? Well, it’s because thats the way my energy feels when it moves within me. Soft. Like a gentle breeze blowing through me.
When the Soft Girl is around I feel calm and I feel peace.
And that’s all I’ve been looking for my whole life long.
Peace. That’s all.
That’s all.
And now I’m the closest I have been to having it, because I finally know that that is what I’ve been searching for all along.
I’m so grateful for the gifts meditation and yoga have brought to my life. I’m still unsure what it’s all for, and even what it is that I’m meant to do with these new and beautiful feelings, but I’m starting to gather the clues. And they are leading to new and delicious places, sometimes expected, sometimes a complete surprise.
I’m off to bed now, I’m exhausted.
But I wanted you, my beautiful bloggy friends, to know that I adore you, and I hope each and every one of you is in your happy enough place.
Goodnight.
From me.
The Soft Girl.
How beautiful.
I’ve just had the most soul shining few hours.
First: meditation. The deepest pains of the past rising to the surface, drawing all of my softness to me. An exploration of times where my life showed me the absolute worst of humanity. The true aches of life.
Second: I randomly found myself scrolling through old photos on my computer. Photos of the most beautiful moments life has ever given me. Reminders of the whole hearted joy I’ve been privileged to have experienced in this life of mine.
Do you think this turn of events was an accident?
Do you think my two seperate adventures through memories gone by was an accident?
I don’t. I think it was meant to be. The whole picture in view for me to see, back to back.
Good.
Bad.
All of it: my life.
All of it perfect, just the way it was.
You might think the glow of an open heart to be impossible outside the honeymoon phase of romantic love, but I assure you: it’s quite possible. And it is very, very lovely, my goodness.
When I relax into the warmth in my chest, I feel the most beautiful sense of softness and love radiate through me. Especially when I’m listening to music. It’s as though a night light has been switched on in the dark of me, and there I am, ready to hold it out to the world in search of someone to share its glow with.
A physical feeling of heat and light, is the best way I can describe my version of an open heart, and there are not many natural feelings like it at all (apart from the primal urges of childbirth, perhaps, which…actually, I should write a post on that, sometime. Childbirth is often painted for its painful side, but overlooked for the absolute primal miracle it is.)
I’m so terribly unfinished in terms of my emotional healing from the past, but there are some beautiful things going on in my life in the now that I’m grateful for. For the first time in my life I’m happily rising early to do yoga. Every morning. I’ve done it for a week, and I know I won’t stop because I’ve decided it, firmly. It feels far too beautiful to wake my body up in such an earthy way, and it’s linked with the very best part—I’m no longer rushing around and frantic when it comes time to whistle the kids out the door. In itself, that is a small step in the right direction.
It definitely helps that I’ve found the most beautiful, gentle yoga teacher on YouTube. Every time he whispers ‘relax, it’s alright, it’s all good’, it’s like it activates something within my core that knows he is one hundred percent right. That, no matter what, it’s alright, it’s all good.
Anyhow, I just wanted to check in with my real voice and let you all know I’m still here and that, no, I’ve not got a poetry writing robot posting here on my behalf. Although, truly: I’ll be if I know where some of my writing comes from. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: some of the words I write really do not feel like my doing, at all. It’s all very magical and lovely and strange.
I’m happy with magical and lovely and strange, if you are. xx
The eucalypts are alive, here. For whatever reason, this part of the world seems to be windy more often than not, and I’m so very pleased about that. Life seems to flow more with the wind.
I wonder, sometimes, if you all wonder where I disappear to when I’m gone for a few days without any hint as to where I might be. In this case, I’ve escaped the hustle and bustle of the city, with my family, and we are enjoying the most beautiful post-lockdown deep breath.
This morning, as I meditated by the pool, overlooking the giant swaying gums ( sigh ) I felt at ease. The wind on my skin was refreshing and, rather than distracting me, seemed to bring me into a deeper state of peace. The birds and their jarring squawks seemed at odds with the peace I sought, and yet it all became me. Each squawk felt no different to other thoughts or feelings that float in the air around me, daily; and that, to me, seemed so profoundly beautiful. To feel the world as a part of me. It was all the lovely things.
Now. If you’ll kindly excuse me. I have some more lovely deep breaths to catch.
Lots and lots of love.
Brooke. xx
Ps. My sister is here. She is the sun.
brooke-cutler.com 